Once upon a time, there was a village where all the wise men and women lived. One day an idiot came to this village, and as an idiot that he was, he threw a stone in their lake, and then he left. All the wise men and women gathered together to figure out the reason why the idiot threw a stone in the lake? What was the stone made of? Why did he come all the way from a different place to just through a stone in the lake and leave after that? They thought day and night, day and night. They started to lose sleep, and hope over this enigma. They could not figure it out, why the idiot threw a stone, and why did he leave afterwards? They could not accept that despite how wise they were, they could not for the life of them, figure out the reason for this idiot’s action. But this was the exact reason for idiot’s action, that there was no reason in his actions. The idiot exists and acts without a reason, as a need to maintain the balance of energies in the universe. However, the wise cannot comprehend the fact that there is no reason sometimes. The wise is used to finding answers behind every action.
Sometimes, just because of this need to find a reason behind every action, we humans as reasonable beings, try to make up a story or a motive behind other people’s actions. Our mind cannot sit still and accept things without a reason, and that is our problem. Now, indeed this is not a problem at all if we learn to control our emotions that derive as a result of unresolved matters, but most of us cannot succeed in controlling our emotions. Therefore, there comes our judgment of others’ actions, our judgment and sorting of things into groups of good and bad, useful and useless, wanted and not wanted, needed and not needed, worthy and not worthy. I can go on and on, but I hope the reader gets the point.
In accordance to human reasoning, I had been feeling unease for a long time now as I was trying to figure out the events in my life, and why things unfolded the way they did. I blamed myself many times, only to discover that it was not my fault, and that I was deceived into believing that it was. It took me long time to figure this out, because my nature is to look inside myself before I point the finger at someone else. This reasoning comes as a result of being the only child in the family, where every time something went wrong, my mother would be on my case, and I had no way of escaping the guilt, as I had no other siblings to blame it on. To my mother, the only reason why any mistake occurred was because either I did it in full consciousness, or the cat did it. But since we did not have a cat, then I did it. I tried to explain to her that most of the time I was not aware of my mistakes, and I promised to her many times, (she still makes fun of my honest innocent solemn moments of oaths) that I would pay more attention the next time, and I would not be as stubborn as my mom diagnosed me to be. I would not be as stubborn in saying it was not my fault, but as she always reminded me, when something goes wrong, there must be at least 5% my mistake, and I should find that mistake and apologize for it. Hence, I was forced like the wise men in that village to find the reason behind the unreasonable. The task was hard and impossible, because indeed, that is the point. The universe continues to exist because there is something to fix, something to improve, something to look forward to. However, when this something becomes the only reason in someone’s mind, when it becomes the only force that drives one’s reasoning then, all other problems raise with it as one judges everything in black and white, right or wrong, positive or negative, good or bad.
Well, I learned a lot during this experience and I learned that the reason why unreasoning exists, it’s because the reasoning exists. And if you want to leave in peace, you must learn to balance between the reasoning and unreasoning. That does not mean that reasoning and unreasoning must be at the same amounts to receive a balance, because that depends on the system and the level of consciousness you live in. If you prefer to live in a reasonable way, where everything makes sense to you, then there will be nothing to explore, and nothing excited anymore, and you might as well go to sleep and start dreaming a world where you would have a problem to chaise so it will seem a bit more exciting that your own reality. But, if you prefer to take a break once in a while and live in the moment without putting too much efforts on finding the reason behind each action, as long as these actions do not inflict conflict or pain, emotional or physical, then why not. Let’s have some fun here and then without any reason at all. Let’s take it easy as why we have some imperfections and laugh at the consequences they may bring. I am clumsy for example, and that created many funny situations in my life. With my mother around I was worried of seeming inappropriate, but with my crazy father that still loves every minute of his existence I learned to live in the moment when other priorities are not such an emergency. Because of this duality I had a hard time falling in love. I thought I had to have a reason for feeling love for someone, until one day I met someone who made me understand something important, I did not know: That sometimes I must let go, and allow myself to have a little fun. I must allow others to take care of me once in a while, without assuming the responsibility that I must please everyone or fix everything that is broken. And I did that, and I am thankful to this guy, for teaching me that lesson. But, old habit dies hardest and dies last. I fell into that habit again of trying to find a reason behind everything.
In the last two years I was tormented with the idea that what if that was true love? Is there true love? Is there anyone who can totally be my match? Was this boy/man my match? Was he suffering? What was my duty? How can I help him ease his “pain” that may have resulted from our separation as I was made to believe? The reasoning in me realized that I was acting like a fool; better say, like the wise men trying to figure out why the idiot came from nowhere, threw a stone in my lake and then left? I realized that I do not need to find a reasoning behind his action, and that sometimes the very reason for that is that I let go of control, or trying to figure out all the reasons behind everything. Maybe I just have to let life happen, and let it surprise me. During these events and emotions that unfolded in the last two years I learned a lot about myself first, and I do not regret any minute that I lived in this pain after replaying the past memories because they brought out the reasons why my life unfolded the way it did until now. All this time, I was beating myself up, thinking that there is no reason behind any of that, or behind the pain I went through, or that it was my fault for letting go of that boy who could have been my true love. But now I know better. I know that universe always have a reason, a perfect reason even for unreasonable things that exist, even for that idiot who threw a stone in the lake and left.
Living this life I learned to have fun in my existence and to not sweat the small stuff. I learned my lessons, and now I feel ready, and open to welcome new opportunities, for more fun and more love in my life. I figured out that my balance is found at the core of who I am and how I feel comfortable living my life. Sometimes I am silly and fun, other times I am all about reasoning and priorities; sometimes I am about common sense, and other times I am about making no sense when I lose my words for example and mix up the phrases, like the other day, when in the middle of telling my son with all my seriousness that if he breaks this new laptop again there will be serious consequences, and the consequence would be that I will never buy him another “top lap,” ever again. And then in the middle of this serious, solemn conversation, we all burst into laughing (meant to say laptop, not top-lap.)
And this is my life now. I feel in peace with my choices. All my silliness pays off to keep my existence in balance, otherwise I would be too perfect for this world, wouldn’t I? That’s right, because no one is perfect and I am glad to be like others too, because now I have a reason to exist and look forward to another day, where things will be better. I don’t mind being a bit silly now and then. I feel it’s about the right time now to let life surprise me again, and bringing me pleasant surprises, without me worrying about my past relationships that are no longer valid. I am ready to accept that the best is still to come, and more pleasant moments are yet to be discovered. I am confident at this point that love will come to me and I deserve it like everyone else deserves it too. I am not different. The right person will come into my life. I am pretty sure that he exists, as I exist. He is out there, because I am right here. What a perfect balance that will be. And this time he will not be the idiot or the villain, because I can’t live for too long with any of these. I tried it before. It didn’t work out. Above all, I am not willing to compromise my essence, my well-being, my nature of who I am and what I value in life, not anymore. I am no longer willing to compromise for the sake of balance, because I learned that each time I compromised in the name of duties, obligations, guilt or willing to fix things, each time I tempered with my happiness this never lead me to balance. I am decided that there will be no more compromising at the expense of my happiness. I am fully awake and aware at this moment of all my past mistakes when I believed all the bullshit that was fed to me constantly. Not anymore. That is never going to happen again, because I know now that my perfect match exists as it exists for everyone else. My perfect match exists and he is compatible with me in every way, but he is also capable of doing something I cannot do on my own, and that is where this attraction comes from. He is capable of stopping me from thinking too much and overloading myself with emotions by trying to figure out the reasons behind everything that captures my attention. He can do this by loving me and giving me that perfect kiss that will make me stop thinking, allowing me to enjoy myself in his presence. He exists, because I exist.