Is pornography wrong? Is it wrong even when you watch porn movies with your partner? Is sexual education in schools somehow leading to the idea that it’s OK to talk about sex and watch others do it? I would like to touch this hot topic because it is indeed an area that parents need to become aware of about the troubles and issues that their children can run into if they are unprepared. First of all, I want to say that in my opinion a pornographic movie, as long as it’s not overdone, can help with imagination and the emotions that this imagination can produce. However, pornographic movies quite often overly exaggerate the stimulation they want to produce by making things too obvious, too blunt, and even show different partners all at once, which turns this process into something too mechanical, and denigrate the role of female partner into that of a female dog (don’t want to say the exact word, but you know what I mean). As for to watching a porn movie together with your partner, quite in contrary from what many women may argue about this issue, I find that wrong for many reasons.
Psychologically it damages you to watch porn with your partner because even though you may not want to admit it, here are some of the questions that each partner, male or female, could be asking themselves at some point. 1) He(she) seemed to like that position or that actor (actress). Am I as good as him (her)? 2) He or she seems to be spending more time alone now, is he or she fantasizing about that type of partner? 3) I cannot do oral sex, (or any other form of sex or position)…. Does this mean he (she) does not like me anymore?
Trying to increase your imagination, and enriching it with some sexual and sensual case scenarios, I find that is nothing wrong with that. At some point every relationship may need some boosting, either because we become too familiar with our partners, or sex becomes like a routine or because of health and psychological issues, without mentioning other problems that may have developed in a relationship, and without even considering the fact that if it is not true love problems will always seem bigger than they are.
I have found through my research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, that the main reason why many men and women redirect that love energy toward themselves instead the partner is a bit more complicated than what Freud tried to enforce with his psychoanalytical therapy. I have found that it is not only the traumas and experiences during the infancy and childhood, because I went through these kinds of traumas too but I did not turn out a Narcissist, I turned into an empath, which is quite the opposite. So, traumas in infancy may serve as initiators of the dramas that the mind of the individual with mental or personality disorders will keep replaying for the rest of their lives, which will serve as a justification for their future actions. In reality, these dramas are not the real cause for the disorder. Inability to reach climax during sex, and which it can develop at any stage in life, is the real cause of such personality disorders.
In my other posts I tried to emphasize the fact that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the wrong choice for this disorder, because just from the name it creates the misconception that loving yourself is wrong. Considering self-love as taboo and wrong will definitely lead to other psychological issues, which we are all aware of and I do not need to discuss them here. I suggested that this disorder be labeled as Erotic Personality Disorder because it fits the description of the role and the psychological profile of Eros himself. Eros, was known to have helped men and women fall in love with one another by shooting arrows of love, which we can imagine were nothing more than stimulants that may have caused their brains to hallucinate and reach the ecstasy, in the same way drugs, and porn does. Therefore, the problem that men and women face when they have not found their true love and because of many other interference during life and in their relationship, then some erotic or sexual fantasies would be OK to help them spice up the love life with their partners if these are done in a controlled and not overly exaggerated ways.
In my research and from my own observation, the problems that many couples face in their relationships would have been resolved if sex would have been great between the two, but unfortunately, for reasons listed above the sex drive diminishes, and one or both partners have a hard time reaching the climax. Inability to reaching the climax causes many psychological and self-esteem issues in any individual. These issues all start from the emotional state of this person during or after sex and inability to feel fully satisfied. Not being able to reach the climax makes the individual feel aroused all the time, yet not aroused enough. This ongoing discomfort and not feeling the sexual satisfaction will lead to anger issues, to lack of concentration, to rushed decisions, to panic and anxiety attacks. Freud was right at this point that many psychological issues are related and derived from the repression of the emotions that are not expressed during sex. The repressed emotions will manifest in other forms of emotions and psychological issues.
But, what about sex education in school? Could this lead to feeling comfortable with the idea of watching porn or wanting to see pictures of naked people? It could, and it is normal, and it would be better if the child learns about sexuality in a controlled and properly guided way, where the child is explained about the benefits of knowing their body in scientific ways, rather than randomly exploring this topic on internet and other secretive ways that can hurt our children. It is normal for a child to be curious about what they feel and to want to ask questions about their own body. It is a normal human development, and our children also need to know that they should not feel embarrassed for imagine certain things. We need to encourage our children to ask questions, but also guide them to look for answers from reliable sources, instead of allowing them be influenced by anything in media. Just because a parent decides to stop their child from asking these delicate and embarrassing questions it does not mean that the child will stop thinking or questioning about how he or she feels about their body and sexual matters. A healthy human, mentally and physically should be able to imagine erotic and sensual scenarios that will lead to satisfaction of themselves during their private moments. Therefore, should be expected and a parent should be prepared that a smart child that thinks a lot and has more vivid imagination would start earlier than other children to ask questions about these sexual matters without knowing how to label or explain them. Jung, in his book “The Development of Personality,” explains this process into the smallest details by using the example of Anna a 5 year old girl to explain how the mind of a curious child, like Anna, works and starts asking questions about these matters at an early age. As a new baby brother arrives home, Anna starts thinking and asking questions about things that occur quite naturally for adults but that do not make sense to her mind and based on what she knows. Therefore the topic of sex becomes quite inevitable for Anna and her parents. These children, like the story of Anna that Jung analyzed, are curious in nature and if not supervised and guided gently they may often reach the wrong conclusions about their feelings, emotions and sex.
I can bring here my own personal experience as an example of the damage done, when parents consider the topic of sexual education a taboo. In my case, I used to imagine case scenarios of a brave young boy fighting against bad people to save me from their grip. I imagined these case scenarios since I was 8 or 9 years old. I even enacted the drama when my parents were not home. I imagined either being rescued, or dying in the arms of my lover – whatever the mood was in that particular day that could have created the strongest emotions. I pretended falling on the floor dying, breathing heavily, holding my heart that was bleeding, stretching my hand to reach my love and say goodbye. And this dramatization was a form of satisfaction that helped me release some of the sexual emotions that were starting to develop at that time. Not knowing what these emotions were, and not having the courage to ask my mother, I had to label them and associate these feelings with something just as equally strong, death, which I knew it was quite a painful experience.
As I grew older in my teenage years, around 15 or 16 year old, I preferred to keep these case scenarios and stories locked up in my mind instead of acting them out. Lying in my bed, pretending I was asleep for hours, I imagined the same strange story over and over of a young boy my age, which face I could not see, as he was always wearing a mask. I was his prisoner in this story, kidnapped or something, but I did not feel like I was mistreated, for some strange reasons. I believe that was because in my story I imagined that even though I was not allowed to leave his Real Estate, which was as big as a city by the way, I found some benefits from staying there. The benefit, was that he offered me access to his library, and I loved reading, and learning new things. If reader makes the connections of the story I imagined with the story of Beauty and the Beats, the reader is absolutely right, except that I had no idea about Bella’s story, as I never heard or read that story before in my life. The reader must know that I grew up in Albania, a communist country, where the literature available to us was censured like the TV channels and programs were censured. This wild imagination was not a dream, or real. I was quite aware that I was just making up stories in my mind because it felt good imagining things and feeling excited about your own imagination.
When I shared my story with someone at some time, the person asked why a masked man, and not a handsome prince? I asked myself the same question, because I did not understand why I preferred a masked man. To tell the truth, I tried many times to put a face on the masked man but to no avail. My imagination always drifted back to the masked man, as if my imagination was being controlled somehow. I am also thinking that it was easier guiding my imagination using a masked man because in real life I did not have a model of an ideal lover let’s say, or a boy I had a crush on, because I was in love with science, numbers, math, poetry, philosophy, and learning new things. This is why I preferred the masked man at some point, to be for me as a mentor, teaching me all kinds of things like philosophy, science, math, singing, dancing, and even flying a plane, and all was done in a very rigorous schedule, which I had fun imagining it to the smallest details. However, at the end of my story, as I was done having all the fun from imagining how I learned so many new things in math, science, philosophy, learned how to sing and dance, even learned how to fly an airplane, at the end of the day, I had to fulfill an obligation. It was some sort of exchange, or pay back for all the fun I was allowed to have in my imagination. At the end I had lay down on a strange kind of table (like a surgical table), allowing this masked man exploring my body in sexual way. I don’t know why I could not imagine the actual act of sex. Was it because I had very limited knowledge about sex? Indeed, I never heard or read anything about sex even though I was 15 or 16 years old. All reliable sources were forbidden, and with such naivety I could have felt victim of sexual abuse at any given time. The only thing that kept me safe was the fact that I hated it when people complemented me non-stop about my looks and especially my eyes, when I in fact wanted them to complement me for my brain, how smart I was and how much I knew. Nevertheless, my body was growing and sexual desires only indicated a normal development. But, how could I allow myself to consider these strange feelings that were a taboo to talk about, a normal thing? Therefore, at the end of the story I decided to allow the mask man to play his role in satisfying my sexual desires (or his) but only by thinking as if I forced or obligated to have sex, not because I really wanted it. This is why at the end of my story, I was no longer free, but more like a prisoner, which was the only way I would allow myself the release of those sexual desires and emotions that came naturally with the development of my body through the teenage years. In one form or another, I was programming myself to think of sex as a form of a job, in exchange of other favors, or to think of sex as something dirty and unaccepted but I had no choice and I had to do it. In whichever way one would analyze this story, it is obvious that I was headed for disaster. So many things could have gone wrong in my life for finding a pleasure on playing and replaying this story in my mind. I would have learned to submit to sex a job, or in exchange for favors, I would have accepted any kind of abuse from anyone, as I allowed it in my fantasy. I would have been raped, abused and anything could have gone wrong because that was the only way I thought I would allow myself to have sex, by being forced into it. One must ask, was it really I, a teenage girl, so naive and uneducated about sex that created all these wild fantasies or was I forced and programmed somehow, without being aware into thinking and imagining these weird stories? If I did not have enough self-esteem, if I did not know my worth, and if I would have preferred material things over satisfaction that winning math and science competitions brought me, I would have become a material girl. I would have become an easy target for sex-traffickers too, or a victim of abuse of a sugar daddy.
I did not become a victim of this kind of fantasy or programming, where in my mind I allowed myself to be submissive to sex, as the only way to enjoy it, but I too paid the price, just in a different way. I believed it was OK to marry someone without loving the person because love did not exist, and sex was just an obligation. I believed that I could easily worked out any marriage, with any man, for as long as this man would fulfill my top priorities at any given time, because at the end of the day I was going to be a good wife, just like I allowed it in my daydreaming stage. With these bedtime stories, as the famous singer Madonna mentioned in one of her albums, I allowed my mind to form the wrong belief that true love did not exist. With these bedtime stories, I learned to bargain, to negotiate, to compromise, to feel satisfied with little things in life, to adopt in any kind of environment or situations, which of course at some point helped me to survive, but that was not a satisfying life. I learned the hard way at some point, that in life you cannot please everyone, without draining your own energy. I learned to say stop to the ongoing abuse, where I always felt it as an obligation to please and accommodate others at my own expense. In the end, as Nietzsche said, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” So I survived.
I survived and not much damage was done through such day dreaming and wild sexual fantasies because I manage to stop this programming on time, which prevented further damage in my belief system about sex, love and marriage. Many years later, this story somehow was activated again, but this time I was able to realize and confirm to myself that indeed I was a victim of an intruder who intended to anomalize the stages of my psycho-sexual development. This intruding energy, through sexual fantasies had not a heavy psychological effect on me because at some point I dedicated my full attention and passion into things that interested me more, and made me feel happy, such as writing poems, singing, reading, learning about ancient philosophy, learning about the new discoveries in science and so on. I managed to feel satisfied with little things in life, yet, I still feel, even to this day as if I am a prisoner of an invisible entity, who wants me all for himself and as a result, none of my love relationships really lasted long enough or satisfied me completely. All is ruined, the moment I start feeling happy and making plans for a better future. My life feels like the story of Psyche and Eros that she apparently had a lover but she could never see his face or see him materialized as a man, as a real husband, that would satisfy and fulfill her sexual needs. I am pretty sure that Psyche ran away not because Eros was too beautiful to be seen, but in contrary, because she finally realized that she was the prisoner of a phantom, and the only way this phantom could fulfill her sexual desires was by pretending he was fulfilling them. I know she ran away from him as I would wish to run away, if I could, from my own fantasy. However, my story is not closer to an almost unbelievable love story, borrowed from Greek Mythology, as it is to what Jung categorized as the interference and the influence of a specific “love” Archetype.
In contrary to Freud who emphasized that it is due to events in infancy and childhood that disruptions of a normal psycho-sexual development occur, which will lead to psychological and personality disorders, Neo-Freudians suggested that such interference can happen at any time during life. Furthermore, Jung added that it is due to Archetypes’ interference with our psyche that many of these personality disorders develop. In cases when these Archetypes cannot influence the individual’s consciousness, it’s because the individual has a strong reasoning power or is helped by reliable sources to understand things that otherwise could be misinterpreted. But try to imagine for a moment what could happen to child who is programmed to all kinds of weird sexual fantasies, that are even more encouraged nowadays through media, music, movies, fairy tales? What can an innocent mind make of all this information loaded with sexual energy, if the parent or the school does not address these issues and do not help the child to understand what these feelings are? If a child is not educated about this normal process of psycho-sexual stages of personality development (Freud), then Eros’ Archetype does not hesitate to take advantage of such innocent uneducated mind (Jung). This type of intruding conscious energy will twist the mind of the child making the child feel bad about himself (herself), feel ashamed which will then trigger many psychological issues due to low self-esteem, or the child will start thinking about sex all the time to the point that it will become an obsession for him or her. As these children grow up, they will accept no limits to reaching their sexual satisfaction in any wrong and possible way, thinking of themselves as gods or goddesses of sexuality and entitle themselves to special treatments as they develop the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I was lucky to not fall in any of the two extreme categories, and did not develop any psychological issues, but that’s because I kept myself busy in learning everything that captured my attention. Just like in the story I programmed myself earlier in life, I found more satisfaction by following new hobbies all the time, like drawing, music, I liked operas especially, I liked reading books, singing, dancing and so on. I kept myself busy all the time, which helped me avoid thinking about my sexual needs, and avoid admitting that I needed to fulfill these needs just like any other human being does, and just like we fulfill other basic physiological needs like hunger and thirst. And this ongoing struggle, where I constantly had to repress these needs and sexual desires, did not pass so easy, without causing any damage in my health. During that time where my body reached its peak in its sexual development in my teenage years, and where I strongly and persistently denied such needs, I reacted to these suppressed sexual desires and unfulfilled needs by increasing my body temperature. This increased temperature above the normal range made me feel weak constantly, as if I was drained out of my energy. I felt constantly tired as if I would faint at any given moment. I still feel this way, weak and tired, to this day. Even in school I would have had much better results, much higher than what I have achieved, if this sexual energy would have been managed in the right way and not been repressed or let it go to waste. Even though one of the best students, in high school or at the university, I knew that I could give more, I knew that I never reached my full potential due to fatigue, lack of energy, and the fact that I was always distracted. To stay awake and alert, I also started drinking lots of coffee, which then led to stomach problems, anxiety, and heart palpitations.
So dear parents who think that sexual education is wrong because it will lead your child into thinking about porn and sex, then think again. Not knowing their own body and the normal stages of their psycho-sexual development these children will end up with lots of sexual, mental, psychological, and personality disorders, because if you do not educate your children, then someone else (or something else) will.