And knowledge comes to you, Plato said. Knowledge is not in you, as Aristotle argued. Bravery, courage, and other virtues may be in you, and part of you, but even these are not in the same amount for every individual. We all individually possess some virtues and talents and we all have enough of these so that we can handle them with ease and learn to grow talents and virtues even more. Yet, knowledge is not like anything else, because knowledge is endless, and it’s never fully reached or fully understood. We keep searching to increase our knowledge and to improve our lives. Indeed, increasing our knowledge is the purpose of life. Knowledge, Plato said, comes to you when you are ready for it, and not everyone is ready for it, and that is OK, because if you are willing to learn more then one day you too will be ready for it. But knowledge cannot be given to you as a gift, nor is it given to anyone through initiations. Knowledge cannot be kept hidden either, because knowledge belongs to universe and must return to the universe. Knowledge is not the privilege of certain elite of people, in fact, what they hide and protect in such fanatic ways is not the true knowledge; it may be advanced technology, but technology only produces more fear, while knowledge eliminates fear all together. I know that what Plato said is true, and I know that what other philosophers tried to explain when they tried to describe this organic light of knowledge that comes to you at some point it feels like an expansion of your consciousness. I know this because I experienced it myself back in 2008 and I had mentioned this event as a turning point in my life in some radio interviews I had years ago. Yes, it is true and I support Plato and other philosophers who said that knowledge comes to you when you are ready for it, but you must be ready for it.
And how can one be ready for knowledge? By being curious, suspending judgment and by loving unconditionally; by seeking knowledge to serve others not to be praised by others or to control others. This is how the great knowledge comes to you. This is how Knowledge came to me. I acquired knowledge all my life, I was like a curious child all my life, I question what I was taught, I questioned my decisions and others decisions, and that’s how my knowledge grew and the old knowledge that was dormant in my unconsciousness became conscious to me at some point. This knowledge did not come to me through some sort of initiation because I was chosen for my merits or my bloodline or my life as a celebrity. I was nobody and still am nobody for many people. I have no celebrity status and I am still paying my bills and my debts. But knowledge was given to me because I never stopped asking for the truth, and never hated anyone for my conditions. I accepted my life and other’s behavior as a result of cause-effect. Hence, I looked for reasons behind their actions instead of judging people as bad and uncorrectable. As such, knowledge came to me as a wave of energy, when everything required within my consciousness matched the energy level of this knowledge. Knowledge was not given to me as a gift by other humans or entities. It was not given to me by aliens either. Achieving that state of being even for a short period of time, which effects still continue to apply to this day, that was a result of an ongoing process, of me trying to understand others, forgiving others, trying to understand myself and forgiving myself, trying to improve my life and helping others too, trying to fix things and pointing at what is wrong and not to who is wrong, pointing at how we can fix what is broken instead of pointing at whom to blame. That is why the knowledge came to me in April 2008. What happened back then was as a result of my constant prayers that I often recited in my head, without needing to join any religious group. I found these CD online called the 7 Great Payers, and I played it on and on. It was very relaxing and inspiring and one of the most powerful lines in these prayers was, “God use me as an instrument to do good for others.” And I loved this statement, and so I repeated it all the time in my mind and I still do. But one must want to become an instrument of knowledge, and must accept the consequences that come with this responsibility too, which is that you must not seek your own glory, but share that knowledge with one intention only, to help others reaching the same level of consciousness and knowledge as you.
I loved helping others and being with others all the time, and it did not just happened over night that I changed my nature and suddenly became friendly and loving and forgiving. I was like that all my life. Since when I was a little girl, my greatest desire was to be among other people. The best part of my childhood was the time we lived in Shkorda, in Albania. I have the best memories from that city and from the people I was surrounded with. I remember that at that time, we were the only family in our apartment building that had a black and white TV in 1972, and people came over at our apartment to watch movies every night. My dad made some long stools for people to sit in rows like in the theaters. My mother was very upset; she thought my dad was too much. I can understand how inconvenient that must have been for my mom, but for me and my dad that was the best part of our day, being surrounded by people, happy people. People of Shkodra are well-known for their good, optimistic, joyful nature and fine humor. Indeed, if I would have been able to choose, I would have preferred to marry someone from Shkodra and live there in good company all the time. They were my favorite type of people. And being among them I guess it rubbed on me for a while and I became funny and shameless my mom told me.
My mother tells me many stories about my life when I was little, and one of them is the story of how I wanted to become a doctor when I grew up and so I started “practicing” since when I was five. At that time we used to travel by train for several hours to visit my mom’s family in another city. During these long trips I would get up and talk to other travelers as if I had known them forever. I would ask them how they were feeling and if they would allow me checking their temperature, and checking their tonsils if they would open their mouths so I could see their tonsils. They laughed at my courage and innocence of a five year old and played along with me. My mom ran after me to take me back to my seat apologizing to people in my behalf for bothering them, but they all seemed to enjoy a little kid running around and checking on them every half an hour, whether they had swallowed their medicines yet, or if their fever went down. I loved being with people, unfortunately I was the only child for most of my life, but I was always surrounded by good friends. And I remember my very first best friend Ben. I remember him so well, (not his face) but what we did and how we played and how it felt to have a friend like him. I have an old picture which unfortunately did not turn out very well. I remember my dad struggling with his camera to get this picture right, but for some reasons it did not work. Nevertheless, I did not need the picture to remember Ben, because Ben was also my first crush. It all started as an innocent game, of a boy and a girl and a doll, which was our baby. Well, baby needed to be washed and changed, and as we undressed the doll, and pretended giving our baby some needle shots to make her feel better, and that’s when we started playing with cotton balls. Ben’s mom was a nurse and cotton balls and band aids were all over Ben’s home. One day curiosity took us a bit further, and Ben decided to be the doctor, while I decided to be the patient, lying still on the couch I allowed Ben taking care of me. I liked it so much. For years I remembered the sensation of Ben gently touching me with cotton balls, dry cotton ball, wet cotton balls. Boy, it was fun and we both liked it. What for us was just an innocent game of experiencing different sensations through touching one another, for adults who found us playing that game of doctor and patient, was too much. They separated us in such a brutal way, without even explaining to us of what did we do wrong? And I never saw Ben from that day. I remember my mom yelled and yelled at me that day, and I could not understand, “What the hell? What was she so upset about?” My dad then told me that I should never ever allow anyone to touch me, hug me, kiss me, even if that person were a family member, an uncle, a cousin, or my dad’s friends, I should never allow any of them to treat me like a baby (I guess he wanted to say like a patient). Instead I should offer them my hand to shake. Imagine a five year old, when people lean to hug her and this girl just stands there with a straight face and extended arm so they could shake her hand instead of hugging her. That was me, and I looked and felt ridiculous, but that what my life became after, full of rules and restrictions, and all that because I played with my best friend Ben, and instead of explaining things to us, adults terrorized us.
I don’t really know what happened to Ben but my life became like hell from that moment on. We immediately moved to another city and I left behind all the good memories. I believe I left behind my heart too. I left it with my best friend Ben and that is why I had a hard time finding a boyfriend years after. I was looking for someone who could make me feel that good, without bragging of what he did for me. People disappointed me a lot. Good friends like Ben were hard to find. Everyone came with an agenda. Ben and I played spontaneously, without planning to be naughty, people took it the wrong way. Could that innocent game led us to something else in the future? It probably could have, but it was spontaneous and not planed, and that was the beauty of it, and this notion of spontaneity was later lost in my life with all the rules and norms I had to follow. I was always proper and expected to be proper but others were not, and I became a target. I loved being with people and often asked my friends to be my brothers or sisters, and this seemed odd to some boys who were older than myself. A girl asking for some company, and so with their dirty minds they came knocking at my door asking me to play with them and as innocent as I was, I felt so happy to hear that. But then these boys had a hard time explaining it to me about the kind of games they wanted to play. As I seemed so clueless to them they left me alone and I was left puzzled, and full of questions. “What kind of friends were they that they said they wanted to play with me but then they left me alone without playing?” And disappointed from such friends, and other friends in the future who all came with an agenda I learned to enjoy time alone.
So, I learned to be alone, and learned to love reading books, writing poems, solving math questions, listening to music and even daydreaming sometimes, predicting my own future. I decided to enjoy my life even though alone most of the time. My dad became a good role model for me, teaching me to continue to be spontaneous and follow my dreams and my passions. Except for hugging and kissing boys, my dad let me be free, be myself, no restrictions whatsoever. Everything I would choose to do was OK with my dad, not so much OK with my mom. My dad became my best friend, spending time together watching cartoons when I was little, and we laughed so loud that my mom always reminded him that he was a grown up man and was acting like a child, watching cartoons with his daughter. My dad was my best friend and from him I learned not to sweat the small stuff in life and above all to remain positive despite my mom’s ongoing criticism. To tell the truth, I was afraid to tell my mom whenever I got an 80% or 90% in my tests. She expected me to be perfect. When I asked her if she was that good in school when she was my age, she answered that she was not and that is why she was so critical of me because she loved me and wanted me to be better than her. I had nothing to say but be afraid of the way she made me feel if I did not get a perfect score. In those frightening times of being less than perfect, before telling my mom about my grades, I told my dad first who then took me to the nearest bakery and bought me ice cream and pudding and only after we both felt good eating our favorite sweets we went home to face the judgment wrath of my mom. Her ways of making me feel guilty started in very unexpected way. It always started with a smile, and her saying that it was OK that I got an 80%, but then it continued with an “hmmm,” and then a “but why?” After that moment all went down the hill for me, “sit, sit here please and tell mommy why did you get 80 not 100? Did you study? Did you study long enough? Did you study every chapter? What happened? Where was the mistake? How come you did not remember that? Why didn’t you study harder then? What were you thinking? How did you spend your time, daydreaming?” And she went on and on and on. My dad thought that that was her area of expertise to educate me, since she was a teacher, and he was an electrical engineer, so she knew how to deal with students, so my dad tried not to interfere most of the time, because even when he did the situation became even worse as she started yelling at him, and I felt even more guilty for causing my parents to fight. Seeing my parents fight all the time, I became resentful of my dad. He was blamed for being unfaithful to my mom, and all that anger my mom poured on me, she blamed it on him. She said that it was his attitude of carelessly throwing compliments left and right to other women who then became obsessed with my dad and he did not think that this would hurt my mom’s feelings. Hearing this repeated complain almost every day, I started believing that it was my dad’s fault that my mom and dad were not happy together. As Freud correctly concluded, a child going through such trauma will create an image of a love object and fantasize of their ideal lover, as someone who will either resemble one of the parents or will not resemble one of the parents, depending on the case. Freud concluded that in such cases the child would either turn into a narcissist or could even turn into a homosexual. In my case I would have turned into lesbian if I would have loved my mom and hated my dad. But I loved them both, yet I did not want to end up unhappy like my mom, so I created an image of my love object that should not in any way resembled my dad. My love object should have been someone who was ugly first of all, not handsome like my dad, and he must not have that childlike attitude like my dad, so he had to be dull basically, for him to win my heart. What a stupid idea? I know. This was bad and I paid for it very hard later on in my life.
So, because of this unpleasant experience with my parents and the wrong choices I made in life due to circumstances I found myself in, I finally understood the problem and decided to help others understand their problems too. From my dad I learned to help others without expecting any praise, rewards, or recognition of any form. I learned to hold my criticism and tried understanding the reason behind people’s actions. I always believed there was a reason for everything. I asked to find that reason, I searched for that reason, and studied and learned more and more to be able to understand those reasons. And that is why knowledge came to me, because I looked for it, prayed for it, asked for it, and because I had enough of it accumulated from previous experiences. However, such knowledge would not have come to me if other aspects of my personality would have lacked the energy of what we call soul or consciousness or life force, libido, and so on.
It was a combination of all the above factors that made me who I am today, that I love unconditionally as my dad showed me, just because it feels good. It feels good to love and help others without expecting something in return. My mom for example was always unhappy because she always expected and demanded love and respect from other. My dad on the other hand was always happy because he had no expectations. To tell the truth, I had my ups and downs in life and was not always happy. I started doubting my values, because people often measure their values with how successful their marriage is, love life is; how successful career and financial status are. I was failing at everything. I had a loveless marriage, to which we both had an agreement to carry on with our lives by living our separate lives under the same roof for the sake of our children and for the sake of financial arrangements. I agreed to such agreement because I believed I had no values, I believed that I was loveless, and deserved to be treated without respect from my husband. I was free to have affairs, and my ex had his, but this did not make me happy either. All was wrong and felt totally wrong, until one day I met someone to whom I dedicate all these good feelings and the confidence I gained afterwards. His name was Ben (again). Strangely enough Ben is always good luck for me. I learned to love myself because Ben loved me. With a special kiss and a special way of loving me, with a tender look in his eyes, Ben made me realize that I was precious, at least I was precious to him. I was precious and lovable enough for Ben, then this was good enough for me. This was all I needed to push me to get on my feet and tell my ex-husband that I would not accept that kind of agreement we had made earlier that year, and he had to leave us, because from that moment on I was going to dedicate my life entirely to raising my children in a healthy and safe environment. I told him I was not going to repeat the same mistake my parents made, just for the sake of looking good in front of others, as a married couple.
So, love changes things at 180 degrees, and Ben’s love had the power to do this for me. It was Ben’s love that increased my level of confidence to the point that I was then completely ready to receive the knowledge I needed to receive two years later. In some sense Ben played the role of Dionysus (Dije-nisi, in Albanian means the initiator of knowledge), and I played the role of Athena (A –e thena? which means Should we say it? In Albanian). I never met Ben again, and I miss him a lot. However, I dedicated my life to my children and gaining more and more knowledge. It was around 2010 when I started to write my book on the Hypothesis of Antimatter.This great expansion of my awareness that happened in 2008 I believe was the moment of turning point in my life where my consciousness reached a level of frequency that could have matched with the frequency of some important knowledge, which I started to become aware of later on. Tapping into this knowledge I believe was the reason why I started thinking about the 12 laws of antimatter and how these laws affect our consciousness and our behavior. I became aware of these laws, which seem quite natural to me now, and realized that the laws of physic that we know to apply in our physical reality are in fact mirror images of these 12 laws of antimatter that affect our consciousness and our decisions in life. However, since matter cannot exist without antimatter, and vice versa, antimatter cannot express itself without the canvas of matter, then becoming aware of antimatter’s existence and the 12 laws of antimatter, proved to be very helpful for me, as it helps me understand and look at different matters in ways that other often do not see. This way I am able to avoid unnecessary conflicts and look for resolving the problems rather than blaming myself or others. I want to close my thoughts tonight by saying that Love is the initiator of Knowledge, and Knowledge is initiator of Love. We do not need an entity or an alien race to initiate knowledge on us, and we do not need to change our DNA either. We can obtain this knowledge when we start loving one another without expectations, when we start being nice to one another and show our true kindness, which is part of our human nature that God has already gifted us with. I dedicate my peaceful state of being in full awareness of who I am today, with all the bad and good decisions I made in life, with all the lessons I learned from my mistakes, and feeling in such peace even with some flaws I acknowledge I have and that I am still working to improve, being aware of such great knowledge I obtained at some point in life, which still continues to unfold in my awareness slowly, slowly, and day by day, I dedicate all this to the two most important men in my life, my dad and my Ben.