The most common piece of advice that we hear from people who care about us and don’t want us to suffer, is to let go of the past. Despite the fact that they mean all well, this is in fact the worst advice in some circumstances, because one will let go of the past when one is ready to let go. Forcing someone to forget the past and move on when one is not ready to do so, when one has not healed or grieved properly, when one has not reached a closure yet, will in fact cause more psychological issues and delay the closure. Some of the common methods that people use in order to overcome the feelings of hurt as a result of separation from the loved ones, due to death or broken relationships forced by circumstances and not due to their fault, are to keep themselves busy with daily business and routines, avoidance, disassociation, and repression of these memories and feelings. The one method that I am most familiar with, and that I’ve used to heal myself when I lost my little brother Andi, is dissociation. In my case it was a mild dissociation that did not quite distract me from this reality but it gave me pleasure to think about Andi as if he never died, and one day I would meet him again.
My brother died when I was 4 and he had turned one, just a couple of months earlier. That was and still is one of the biggest losses in my life. I never really understood what happened to Andi, but I started to miss him to the point that thinking about him became the center of my life, and slowly I started feeling guilty. For some reasons I could not recall being a good sister to him or whether I did anything for him in particular, like big sisters do. I felt like I did not cherish his presence and that year flew by quickly, before I would even get my head around and realize that I had a brother that meant so much to me. I felt guilty that I did not kiss him enough (or kissed him at all), or hugged him, or showed him some love. My mother made the situation even worse by confirming all my doubts, and telling me that despite the fact that I felt jealous about my baby brother, I did my job as a big sister when I was told to watch Andi by sitting beside him on the couch, not moving at all, so Andi would not fall off. Other than that I was jealous because I always wanted to eat what he ate, and wanted my mom to sing a song for me like she sang to Andi, and right after mom gave Andi a bath, I jumped in the bathtub with my clothes on, just so I would not be left aside. I felt guilty and I believed that I was a bad sister to Andi because all that my mom told me matched one event I truly remembered on my own. I remember that one time I wanted to climb on Andi’s carriage to lie beside him, and snuggle with him because he looked very cozy, and I wanted to be with him. Was it because I was jealous, as my mom never hesitated to throw that label in my face, or was it because I loved him and wanted to stay closer to him? No one knew the truth, or stopped to analyze the facts. During that attempt, however, I almost killed Andi. The carriage soon tipped over and as Andi started to slip out of the carriage, I managed to hold him tight against my body, while screaming for help, until someone came and rescued him. From that moment on I was the jealous sister and probably that’s why I was scared to touch him or hug him, nevertheless I did my job, mom said, because I set beside him and didn’t let him fall. When Andi died I did not cry because I didn’t understand what death was, but again mom didn’t hesitate to label me jealous and selfish. Yet, I never blamed her, I blamed myself. Years later I understood that that this was her way of dealing with grief, guilt, and fighting her own demons. She used projection, as it is well known in psychology.
When I saw my mother crying for the loss of my brother every day, I did not know how to help her, but that pain was too much for my little mind. Therefore, I convinced myself that I would see Andi again one day, because he did not die; he was rescued by some unknown people and one day I will find him again. I used dissociation, but as I grew up and faced the reality and learned what death really meant, I had to make up for the loss and grieve properly, but I had no idea how. So, my next move was to give birth to a son and believe that he is the reincarnation of my brother’s soul. It heals my pain when I think that maybe, just maybe, I did make up for the fact that I did not care enough for my brother, as I should have. I made up by taking care of my three children, and making sure that they do not feel any form of jealousy for one another due to my fault or their fathers’ way of parenting. I made sure that none of my children is labeled or scolded for being themselves, but instead encourage to be their own individuals, with their unique talents and personalities. I find that making up stories to feel better, it gives you some sort of hope to move on with your life and that is a healthy form of self-defense mechanism that has worked wonders for me. However, one has to be cautious to not allow oneself to be carried away with these stories and fantasies, and start believing them as true. When the individual starts believing these made up stories as true the risk exists that it will lead to mental disorders and severe forms of dissociation. Dissociation also leads to delusions, another form of mental disorder.
Another self-defense mechanism that our egos use to heal from grief or pain of separation is by repressing the feelings and memories that trigger pain. Sometimes, in severe cases of painful moments or events, the individual may experience amnesia, temporary or permanent, where the individual forgets the event and some of the details of the event. One can argue and say that forgetting these memories may seem like beneficial since it avoids experiencing the pain that these memories trigger when recalled. However, in reality, as many clinical cases has shown, patients may not recall the memories and particular details of these events, but somehow patients still feel the emotional pain and sadness when in familiar circumstances.
After developing the antimatter hypothesis, and realizing that consciousness is the moment when our brain recognizes the existence of this particular magnetic field, which some people call it soul, I was able to understand something very fundamental for our existence. I understood that feelings are the most important part of our existence, rather than facts, or events and memories of this life or the previous lives. All the lives that we lived before, or that we will live in the future, serve only one purpose, to enrich and understand our states of existence through feelings. Feelings influence attitude, therefore, feelings rather than the actual memories become part of our souls. Memories serve to trigger emotions, and those emotions that are triggered more often will transform into feelings. It seems that all those spiritual teachers were correct when they advised us to look at positive things in life rather than dwell on negative experiences. Accepting that feeling, rather than the actual memories or details of the events that took place, will affect our souls, then it makes sense to want to collect more of those positive feelings. We can do this and we can undo the negative effect of the negative emotions triggered by a certain events when we look at these events from different perspectives, to try to understand what triggered these events. Understanding the matters always brings the positive feelings of closure. Therefore, in cases of great pain due to loss of loved ones, and cases of post traumatic stress disorders (PTSD), by repressing memories and even forgetting such memories does not resolve our problems. Memories may be lost or forgotten, but the feelings accumulated during these events are still there, and these feelings have become part of our souls (the magnetic field that we call soul).
It is important to understand at this point that since feelings are the most important part of a soul rather than memories, and so feelings are never lost, then when one losses the memory but still remembers the feelings, triggered by familiar or similar situations, then the suffering from separation, grief, or PTSD will get worst. In situations like this, one would constantly dwell on those feelings in order to make sense of the situations. I know this for a fact because I’m living in this situation for a year now. I had suffered two big losses in my life. One was the loss of my brother, from which I believe I recovered by taking good care of my children and being a good mother to them, and the other loss was also traumatic when I separated from the one and only person I truly loved in my adult life. In fact, I avoided recognizing or admitting to myself for 10 good years that what I was feeling for him was love. Our encounter was short but intense, above all it was fulfilling in every sense of the way. Such love, pure and strong, that freed me to be myself, I had never found again in my life, even though I’ve looked hard for its equivalent. I had no choice but to deny it to myself that it was love on my side, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to move on, because circumstances were such that we had to separate. Ten years later I discovered that those circumstances were in fact manipulated by others, and we didn’t need to separate in such a traumatic way. I felt guilty again for initiating our separation, for being so damn stubborn and refusing to see him one more time before saying goodbye. Despite the feelings of guilt that it was I who killed my own love and my happiness, I still believe that I made the right decision given the circumstances. Yet, something remains unresolved in my story. I now know that the facts served to me then, were lies. I also know that he was forced to lie about these circumstances. However, never ever I doubted his love for me then, and I don’t doubt it now either, no matter what rumors I hear. His eyes spoke more than his mouth. I also realized finally, that no matter how many stories I made up in my mind in order to forget about him, to forget that I ever met him, and even deny the fact that I loved him then and still love him just the same, nothing really worked to ease my pain for such loss. Closure cannot be reached by letting go of the past, when there is no valid reason in my mind. I keep asking, Why? Why can’t we be together again, knowing that we love each other? Who is behind this? They say fire with fire, but I cannot search for another fire when I felt so good with the fire he offered to me. It would have been much easier to find a new love, if it were something wrong, something lacking in his love, but it wasn’t. Nothing was missing, it was perfect. Therefore, I cannot and would not search for another love, because nothing would substitute his love, or be better than that love. My grief continues, and healing cannot be complete for as long as I have unfulfilled needs, desires, and lots of questions in my mind. These questions trigger thinking, thinking triggers negative emotions and feelings of loss and grief. Closure cannot be reached for as long as this loop goes on.
These new developments in my life and the conclusion I reached this past year, only support my theory on antimatter, even more, and can serve as a true example to illustrate how the law of grudges affects our souls. Unresolved matters always trigger feelings that motivate us to seek for answers. Matters do not have to be known by an individual, for their effects to be felt. Hence deleting the memories or twisting the facts will not resolve anything. Our problems will continue to exist, because the feelings continue to exist. Feelings cannot be erased because feelings are not stored in the brain. It is this way that grudges form and will be transferred from one life to another, from one person to the new born person, without needing to remember the previous events and lives. If soul A that had a problem, an unresolved matter with soul B, will one day meet soul B again in the new life, their attitudes due to their feelings (not memories) toward one another will determine the new events that will play in a way that will help these two souls to heal the old grudges from previous lives.
To understand how grudges affect the soul, one needs to understand that soul is simply magnetic field that has energy, has some other specific characteristics, such as the way it spins, how fast it spins, how wide this magnetic field is, how dense, and how many holes are in this magnetic field. These holes represent the grudges or the negative feelings towards certain life issues and matters. Accepting that every human soul carries unresolved matters from the previous lives in the form of holes from which the energy is drained out, this can now explain many things, starting with the strange facts that some patients during psychoanalytic therapies, when put under hypnosis, claimed some very disturbing accusations toward their parents or caregivers, for events that apparently occurred in their childhood. These accusations were taken to court and proved later to be false memories. In such cases, the psychotherapists involved were accused of inducing these false memories onto their patients. Hypnosis was considered, not only dangerous to be used for psychotherapy but also useless. Looking at the history of hypnosis as a form of psychotherapy, we find that Freud was one of the first who used hypnosis on his patients and relied heavily on such method. However, those stories made up by patients (no matter how much Freud tried to make sense of them) did not match the present events that occurred in patients’ lives. According to some sources, or rumors, Freud sealed almost forty cases, which were never open or made public. Looking at this matter from antimatter’s perspective, we can now conclude that the fault was not in using the hypnosis but in the fact that the therapist, including Freud himself, took these stories literally and tried to heal the patient as if these stories were happening in this life.
Jung on the other hand, realized that there was more to this matter than just the repression of memories from infancy, as Freud stated. Jung went further to finding the truth and he created the concept of Archetypes. These archetypes are specialized on creating specific scripts that would reflect specific case scenarios, as Jung stated. The scripts from the case scenarios are fed to individuals’ consciousness, while they are not conscious of this manipulation. Jung was indeed very close to the truth. However, many questions still remain unsolved, even today, almost a century after Jung’s discovery. For example, how these archetypes work? What are they made off? Jung, in his secret experiment using introspective and dream interpretation, as noted in his Red Book, he described some very unusual cases, that lead me to believe that these archetypes are not part of earth’s collective consciousness, but they have great knowledge of it. These archetypes seem mischievous in some cases but helpful in others. Nevertheless, they seem to have their own agenda. The stories that archetypes tried to induce into individuals and patients, according to Jung’s notes and some of the colleges he collaborated with at that time he wrote the book, show that once these individuals accepted the influence of archetypes and started worshiping archetypes for the help and the information provided, these kind of relationships turn out fatalistic for these individuals. Such cases are recorded by Jung and mentioned in some of his books, like The Red Book Liber Novus, which I am reading at the moment.
Therefore we can conclude that by accepting that our human souls are made of spheres of magnetic fields, we also accept that even though individuals do not remember their past lives and events that caused them to form certain beliefs or develop certain attitudes in relations to specific issues, matters, and causes, that does not affect the fact that feelings, beliefs, and attitudes continue to exist and are present in the magnetic spheres of one’s soul.
According to this line of logic we can now conclude two things: 1) The memories about certain events do not matter; the feelings toward those events matter the most, and are these feelings that need to be healed. We may forget the past, but we cannot forget those feelings. 2) Archetypes could be prolonging our suffering and even delaying our natural healing when they make up scenarios and covertly push us to believe in these scenarios that don’t seem to match our feelings. Our quest would be to find out archetypes’ agenda. Why they interfere with our lives and natural healing? Is there any reason for this? Do they have a personal agenda or is this for our common good? Is there any purpose for this symbiotic existence?