Knock, knock. Who’s there? Time. Time who? Time for a new order with new standards.
So here I was with three children, no husband, no love life, failed business, and no success what so ever in getting my message out to people, about the 12 laws of antimatter; these 12 laws that govern our lives so quietly behind the scenes. At that point I felt like a total failure, and worse of all, there was nothing I could do anymore to fix it. Those three knocks always seem to make a perfect job in turning my life upside down, shaking my beliefs up, unveiling the truth hidden so well behind the perfect illusions and then leaving me naked and vulnerable, in front of everyone’s eyes, for others to judge me.
The first time I heard those knocks, not only I but also my three children heard them. As a result all our lives were affected, in just a short period of time. A big change was in store for all of us. A revelation was made, and we did not like it a bit, because it did not fit our future according to our plans, but it was the truth nevertheless. This revelation showed us that we were about to become slaves of the mere images of ourselves. We were about to embrace a fake and loveless life, just because it seemed perfect according to other people’s standards. That change was a blessing in disguise; it saved us from becoming shadows of our own “perfect images.” It is true that once someone creates an image of oneself of that successful person, that is happy, is full of achievements, financially stable, and this image gains reputation then life is over for this individual. From that moment on, this individual becomes the slave of his own reputation. This person would do everything to keep that image true and alive for others, while the real person behind that image either suffers or loses his (her) identity, integrity, authenticity. But, why is that? This is the law of acceleration, “The more we have, the more we want.” I explain 12 laws in my book, “The 12 Laws that Define a Human.” Most of these laws are not discovered by me, and are not recent knowledge either. I am quite sure that someone else must have said the same things, or similar to what I say in my books. Perhaps, millions of people have said these things before me, but they just did not call them laws. My merit therefore, is not in discovering them, but in explaining how these laws work by using scientific explanations, and formula that explain the effects of a magnetic field that keeps rotating, and in the law of acceleration it keeps rotating faster and faster.
Since I already knew about the existence of these laws and especially the law of acceleration that it affects every one of us, with no exceptions, I decided to not allow myself to become its victim. The only way to escape this law was to stop my ego from creating a perfect image of myself, an image so big that I would have had a hard time knocking it down afterwards. I needed to get my life back before that image was about to take a life of its own. I’ve seen the effects of this law before. I have seen how the struggle to keep the illusion of a perfect life, perfect wife, perfect family ruined my childhood, and yet in the end my mother could not save her marriage anyhow. I wasn’t going to make the same mistake that my parents did. I wasn’t going to let my own image destroy the real me. I was glad that I heard that knock, which woke me up and made me aware that time had come for a new order of things in my life. It was time to live my life free of religious’s dogmas that were trying to manipulate me and my children into thinking that salvation and happiness are only obtained after you die. In mean while my children and I had to fit somewhere, in one of those boxes under those prototypes with some labels that “others” (who I don’t even know who they are) had created to enslave me, my children, and the whole human society for that matter.
The second time I heard the knocks I was with my youngest daughter and these knocks came from the closet in my bedroom. We were both terrified and ran to the couch in the living room. I called my ex immediately. He was still my husband at that time, and lived just 5 minutes away. As soon as he arrived, which seemed like hours to us, he checked the closet, but there was nothing in there. Nothing indeed, because the goddess of discord again had delivered her message and she was gone. Again she gave me a precious gift, which I am so thankful for. She made me realize that it was time for me to let go of those ties that I was so desperately holding onto. That marriage, my second one, had come to an end too, my business had come to an end, every illusion of a perfect life had come to an end. It was time to swallow my pride and surrender to my fate. I had to accept that I failed. I had to accept that the path I had chosen, and the plans I had made for myself and my family were not working. My plans were opposing my destiny, and I had to find a new path that was in alignment with my destiny. It was pretty hard to imagine how this new path would look like, but I had to let go off the past and let go off those plans I had made. I opened my cards on the table, wild cards to play indeed, and I played them, and I won.
What did I win? I won a lot actually. First of all, I won the peace of mind. Since I already hit the rock bottom, there was no need to worry about other people’s judgements anymore. Secondly, I won my true happiness, because when one has no more obligations to keep up the perfect image they created then one does whatever one pleases, and that made one truly happy. Give it a try and you will see that I am telling the truth. Thirdly, being free of such obligations gave me time to concentrate my attention and my energy on my children. I did not need to be the perfect mother that had to fit certain standards, which by stereotyping expects the mom to cook and clean, and that is called taking good care of her children. In fact that should be called as it is, the cook and the cleaning lady. Instead I became the perfect mother that my children needed, giving my children all the attention so they would freely and willingly discuss with me the matters that bother them and that are important to them. I became the perfect mother my children needed every time I listened to their complains and guided them to find gentle and peaceful solutions, when I did my best to trying to ease their pain and overreactions toward what they called “unfair” in their little minds. I became the perfect mother when I guide and encourage my children every single day, to understand and accept themselves so that one day they will reach their full potential, by using a combination of their talents and discipline. I can do this now, because I’m not stressed or worried about cooking the perfect meal, instead I worry about my children’s psychological well-being, because they are my responsibility, before anything else. The list of things that I gained after I accepted that life does not have to be perfect in order for me to be happy, became quite a long list actually. The list of such achievements may not be visible for other people’s eyes, and I may not check off those standard boxes of what our society considers a success, but I am living free from such restrictions and this is the best feeling I ever experienced. It is a relief and such a pleasure to feel this freedom in life that I would never exchange this freedom for financial success, or fame, or anything else that would restrict me from doing what I like to do now. I feel very comfortable living in my own skin, and have no regrets when I look myself in the mirror. I live with no grudges or guilt whatsoever. I’ve made many more new friends, so true and genuine that I feel truly blessed every moment I spend in their company without worrying what they might say behind my back, because I know that they truly love me as I truly love them. I do things that please me, and not others or their standards. And, I make sure that I surround myself with people who are also true to themselves, and them too are free of such complexes of “the perfect, successful life.” I live my life, not the life others want me to live, and I am truly, truly, truly happy in many aspects, except for one thing. One piece of the puzzle is still missing and that is love.
I heard other knocks that revealed other illusions I was carrying on my shoulders, the illusion that love does not exist. I believed that in order to be happy, genuinely happy, one doesn’t need to be in love with someone else. After some shocking revelations in my life, however, I learned that one can be happy, genuinely happy even when alone, but this happiness is usually short lived. When alone, with no love partner, one has to constantly seek other forms of satisfactions to make oneself feel happy and satisfied for other short period of time, as if living life in happy segments. However, to be genuinely happy for a long continues period of time, one needs a partner that truly loves him or her. It is in our human nature to need to be loved and to belong, as Maslow indicated in his pyramid of needs. We mate because we want to feel loved and to love, not because we need to procreate. In fact, we have done quite the opposite so far, and by doing this we have lowered our human’s standards to that of animals. I was fed with this idea all my life that marriage is a duty and an expectation, for one to be called a successful person. We must marry and make children, because that is what society expects from us. And if you are married, happy or not, others do not need to know that, because if they do, you then are publicly accepting that you were not able to make your partner love you. At this moment, the only way to save yourself from being judged like a failure is to blame it on your partner. I observed carefully all my childhood how couples struggled with these problems. They either pretended to be happy or publicly ashamed their partners, but no one ever thought that they were with the wrong partner. Hence I concluded that love did not exist. In fact, I found that this loveless life was quite easy to deal with, indeed. My operation system and my logic were untouched when problems in both marriages arrived. Husband number one: He does not love you? Well, no problem at all, and no need to know the reason why. Love does not exist anyhow, no hearts were broken. Husband number two: He has issues with this change in your beliefs and does not support you? Well, no problem at all; agree to disagree. It is easy to deal with disagreements when there is no love involved, just duties and negotiations. However, while I was acting so cold and rational with any men that entered my life, deep down in my heart I was burying a secret; a secret that I could not even admit it to myself. I had already fallen in love years ago but I considered it a mistake at first, so I did everything to forget that experience, but I just couldn’t. I did not understand, for the life of me, how I could not get over the intense feelings that I felt for this man, in this one short-lived encounter in my life. I had always been a rational person, where mind controlled my heart, controlled my emotions and my feelings, someone who was always able to put duties and reason above such ordinary matters like love and sex. Nevertheless, this one experience, one unforgettable encounter with this man that swiped me off my feet, managed to shake this belief system that I had carefully built over the years of my adult life. I felt weak and not strong enough to allow myself enjoy that kind of intense love for this man without feeling guilty, and so I decided to let him go.
During that time, I was technically married since my first husband and I had decided to separate our lives, but for financial reasons we were still living together under the same roof. I accepted this arrangement because it seemed very convenient. Living together with no marital obligations, but only as financial partners and parenting our children together? It was perfect loveless and still successful married life. But, it was not my marital status that made me feel guilty, because I had already gained my freedom. It was his marital status that made me feel guilty. This man that shook my world told me that he was married. I was not sure about his motives for having an affair with another technically married woman, but I decided to not ask too many questions about his situation because I did not want him to feel embarrassed. Technically, I was making the same mistake in the eyes of the society, so I had no rights to judge. Therefore, I thought I knew enough about him, and further details about his marriage were not my business. His choices were his choices, like my choices were my choices. However, the attraction between us was so strong and it grew stronger each time we met that I started to fear that he might do something irrational that would have affected his marriage if I would have decided to continue seeing him. For this reason I made the cruelest decision ever. I shut him out of my life, despite of the pain that I knew I caused in him, and despite of the tremendous pain I was feeling and that I still continue to feel from this separation, even to this day.
I had fallen in love for the first and last time in my life, and I had fallen in love really badly, but I could not accept that this was love. One does not know love if one never felt it before. I thought I was being weak. Maybe it had to do with my hormones or something, because I was always strong when it came to controlling my feelings. I was able to shut them down before, but this time I tried so hard with no success at all. I tried hard to forget him, his gorgeous face, eyes, his kisses, his passion, the way he made me feel. Yet, each time I tried to erase these feelings they just grew stronger inside of me. Ten years passed and I managed to forget his face, but I could never forget, not even for a moment, how I felt when I was with him. I never forgot the way he looked at me; it was precious. I never forget any of the conversations we had. I keep replaying them now in my mind, and these memories make me laugh and cry at the same time. It felt so good being with him and being loved by him, and yet I wondered why. I questioned it over and over: Was that love? Is that how loves feels like? But how can it be? He was married and he never told me that he was unhappy with his marriage, so how could that have been love what he poured in me from his eyes? I was judging everything based on the standards that this society had offered me. Love is for people with free obligations, and love is only for a man and a woman. There was no other type of love in my mind, and I only pictured love in terms of sex, because I had no better model to compare with. However, with him was good sex, yes, but even more. It was an instant connection, and a sort of attraction that stretched and connected us, even when we were miles away from each other. But, standards, those standards. How could I fall for a married man, knowing that it was wrong? Why wasn’t I able to control my feelings this time? Was it love? Was it truly, truly love? He kissed me like no one ever before, and when he kissed me I felt totally lost in time and space, and he felt just the same. I saw it in his eyes, and I had no doubts about what I was feeling and what he was feeling for me. We were both bewildered by that experience and our intense feelings. Yet, for ten long years I considered that a mistake, a moment of weakness on my side, because I was convinced that love did not exist, and my reasoning should have stopped me from feeling anything, because it was wrong to love him since he could not be mine. I tried to convince myself that it was not love, using what I had learned living in this society, “Love? What love? Give me a break, there is no love; grow up, love does not exist in this life. Love is an illusion that desperate people create to feel happy, and happiness is not part of this life. Happiness comes only through salvation, after you die and you go to heaven. That is why, to be truly happy one must be saved first, and for one to be saved one must follow rules and obey religious dogmas.” And then, ten years later, this knock on the door was heard, “Wakey, wakey… It was love silly, it was love.”
To my shock and my horror, I learned that the man I fell in love with was not married and never was, but he had his own reasons to introduce himself in that manner. I guess he had a hard time figuring out if anyone would have ever loved the real him and not his image. Consumed by this idea that for many people true love did not really exist, like I did too, he preferred to have love affairs, here and there, with no strings attached. And what a good strategy that was when he introduced himself as a married man? He was the victim of his own image and of his own fame, likewise I was the victim of the idea that love did not exist, based on what I had seen all my life. When I came to learn the truth about him, who he really was, and also learned that he did not forget about me neither, but he suffered like I did for all these years, I was in shock. I needed time to adjust my head around, and reboot my belief system. Love truly exists, but for me, after learning the truth about him and how much he suffered from our separation, it felt more like a tragedy. Believing that love did not exist, I killed that love. That strange feeling that I had no name for it? That surely must not have been love; it must have been my weakness. I did not know how to stop the butterflies in my stomach each time I thought of him and the way he kissed me, and the way he made me feel, yet, that must not have been love. It must have been my weakness. I was so stubborn in believing that love ever existed, because only this way, by denying it, I felt strong and I was in control of my life. And then, it was show time. The curtains came up, and the truth was revealed: Love did exist and it hurt me to the core when I learned the truth that I killed that love.
I finally realized the reason why I had never actually loved anyone before, or after meeting this man. I realized that one and only one can be your true love. My meditation instructor was wrong, when he taught us that there are many soul mates in this life. There are many temporary soulmates I would say, but only one remains your true soulmate forever, in this life, in the past lives or in the future. This is a mistake we as a society have made so far, not believing in the existence of true and only love. Most people marry and create families for many different reasons but love does not seem to be the one, even though these many reasons are always dressed up like “true love.” In fact they are just poor imitations of true love. In this society, love is substituted by lust, by convenience, by looking-good images, and by obligations. That is why “lovers” and partners grow apart. I know what to teach my daughter now. Why closed friends grow apart? They grow apart because they are supposed to. They must follow their destinies, and their different paths. But true lovers, they do not grow apart. Even if they have been separated for 10 years, true lovers do not grow apart. Even if they lose contact with one another, are not sure if the other person still loves them and thinks of them, true lovers do not grow apart. That’s because true love does not need confirmations and assurance from others; true love is felt inside of you. And because True Love does not depend on circumstances or on others’ love for you, then true love exists, and will always exist; it never dies. True love forgives any mistakes the other partner has made. True love heals any wound of the past, with such an ease, in just one true kiss. This is my experience, and I am not going to deny the truth to myself or to my children. True love does exist.
It is unfortunate that we are still apart from each other, and for some reasons that I still don’t understand or refuse to, we are not together today. Maybe he is still the prisoner of his “perfect image” that keeps him locked somewhere, but I hope that he will realize soon enough that I loved the real him and that I wish the real him, stripped down from all the obligations that others expect him to fulfill, to come back to me again. I wish he realizes soon, before it’s too late, that there is no point in suffering in this life, because heaven is right here on earth, not in the sky, not underground. Salvation does not come through suffering, and paradise is never reached after death, because we immediately reincarnate into other humans; it’s a law of physics that has to do with energies. We all create our own heavens or hell, with each action and decision we make, during this life time, right here and now. I found my heaven here on earth, when I held my babies for the first time in my arms, when I look at their faces every morning, and when they come and give me that goodnight kiss before they go to bed, when I follow my passions and go to work every day not because I doing so, I love my job. I meet paradise every time I meet with my friends because I love their company; we all make each other feel good, and we respect and support each other’s choices. I met my paradise in that small café more than ten years ago, where I met him, my only love, for the first time. I’ve been in paradise when I was with him, in that cheap motel room where we experienced a love so intense that no one can find the perfect words to describe it. But who needs words when one feels those intense feelings each time he comes to my mind. Being free of standards and labels, being free of worries about people’s judgments, being aware of the 12 laws that affect every soul on earth, knowing how to avoid becoming victims of such laws and instead use them to my advantage, it surely feels like paradise to me. But this paradise is not complete without him, my one and only true love. I need my love to feel complete and no one can fool me anymore, telling me that salvation is reached through other types of love. Any other type of love is just a temporary solution, to the pain of living in such a cruel world full of incorrect standards. I believe in true love now, and I believe that this kind of love is our only way to salvation, because only true love can make you feel so good about yourself that it gives you the biggest boost of energy you can ever imagine. And with that energy you can go on and reach your full potential in life. And because I believe in love now, I believe in its power to heal any kind of pain and forgive any human mistake. I truly wish that my true love will read this post and will hear my call. I wish he realizes how much I need him, in how much pain I am when I think of him and how I lost him. I wish he can come back to me because I loved him then and I never stopped loving him. I wish he hears this knocking, my knocking. Knock knock, knock…Who’s there? It’s me. It’s me who? It’s me and I love you, and always did.