Knock, knock, knock…Who’s there? Disorder. Disorder who? This order ends in tragedy, if you don’t let go.

I never liked tragedy, or horror, or any form of negativity in my life, yet all this followed me like a plague. I tried to enjoy life moment by moment, and yet, suffering gets stronger by the day as to force me to the point where I would hate living my life and doubt the purpose of my entire existence. After the three first clear knocks on the car window, my life and that of my children turned upside down. Why? Just because I decided to write a book. Yes, just one book can shake you off. The earth under our feet was shaking, and opened its big mouth to swallow the illusion of happiness me and my children were living in. What was so special about this book? I could not realize its importance at the beginning. How could I? The message the book is carrying is much bigger and deeper than my human logic could comprehend at that time, but I tried my best to share it with others and explain it as simple as I could, and as clearly as I understood it. The message is deeper than I would try to reveal in this post or that I revealed in other posts altogether, but I always tried my best to share it, as if it was my duty to do so. And then, one day it hit me; I realized that no matter how hard I tried the message just never got through to anyone.

I offered workshops, and advertised my book. I even divided the book into many different books for different audiences. I shortened the message, but still no result. My mother still laughs at the moment when after one of my workshops, I set down in dismay. It was a true horror unfolding right in front my eyes. I did all that preparation and three hour workshop ended up with people (mostly ladies) lining up to ask me to pray for them and with them so they can get what they wanted. This was preposterous in my mind, but I did not want to disappoint them, so I gave in to their requests. One wanted to buy that new house that someone else had put a down payment on, but she wanted it so badly. The other one wanted her husband to love her again. Another one wanted to get another job so that she would work two jobs to make up for the failure of the family business that her husband had been running for years. The other one wanted the insurance company to pay for the accident that left her invalid and incapable to work, the other one wanted her husband to get more clients and become richer. And others asked for more and more money because life and happiness for them was all about money. But that was not what my message was about. In that workshop I wanted to emphasize the importance of destiny, that things cannot change, and if we look at these things as obstacles to our own plans then we would feel frustrated. There are different options to avoid this frustration, but more money is not one of them. So I set down with my head between my hands and answered my mother’s question, “What’s the matter? The matter is that my message did not go through that’s why. They came to me asking me to pray with them and for them as if I have magical powers, while in fact I told them that the prayer works if it is in alignment with their destiny. They asked me to pray so they can get more money, and rightly so because they want to pay their debts and be free of financial obligations. But what power do I have to make these things happen? Nothing. No powers at all. In fact, I should be sitting with them and cry about my debts, and my financial problems, if that’s all they understood from this workshop.”  I just could not understand that despite my efforts and their amazement, my message was not that prayer makes miracles but instead was to make them aware that things happen for a reason. And to avoid frustration they needed to look at the reality from a different perspective.

Looking at reality from a different perspective is not to accommodate the reality to satisfy your individual plan, but to adjust your individual plan in order to accommodate yourself in this reality. My message cannot be simple as I already warned you about this, and would require many hours and different examples to get the message clear, but despite the difficulties I was hoping that by showing these ladies how to pray, they would take that experience home and learn from it. I showed them that the best way to pray is not to ask for salvation, which is the main focus in every religion. I asked them to pray as if you are communicating with a parental source of energy, on the other side of the receiver and let this source know what you desire at this point in life, or what bothers you the most. In such short conversation with the source you need not to ask for what is not yours, no need to ask for privileges, or specific details about your marriage or the significant other, because you can never know what his, her, or your destiny is. You simply ask in a way that would allow the receiving source of this prayer, at the other end of alignment, to adjust the reality by either removing the obstacles without interfering with yours or others’ destinies, or it will enable you to see the reason why things were happening that way, which will allow you to adjust your previous plan without hurting others or feeling hurt by others.

I tried to show people in these workshops how an effective prayer was done, and it had nothing to do with religion or mystical forces, but it was all about energy and balance of energies. Instead all they took from my workshop and from the time I spent practicing this type of prayer with them, was the mystical part of it. One of these ladies who was also one of my colleagues, at the same Catholic High School, ran to me the next day, while I was in the middle of the class teaching, just to hug me. She said that she wanted to tell me that my prayer worked and she got the new house she was dreaming about, despite all the odds. Well, it seemed like a miracle to her, but that was not what I wanted her to get from that experience. I wanted to ask if she understood why it worked and so she can pray the same way next time, on her own, and not become disappointed if the next time the prayer is not answered? But, before I had time to open my mouth and ask her that, she ran away, as happy as a bird can be. The other lady that wanted to work two jobs told me that things got better with her husband’s business. The other one said that her husband was obeying all her demands because she told him, “My way or the high way.” She too dedicated this to the power of my prayer, because this gave her the courage to confront her husband. Again, she saw the prayer as a form of salvation, to adjust the world around her to her own satisfaction. I wanted to ask, “But is that love?” I was afraid to ask her that, because she was one of those people with such a big mouth, and yet so ignorant, and so unwilling to understand anything they were told, that I would rather stay away from them than start an argument. I was totally disappointed and discouraged at that moment.

I spent money to build up my coaching business, hoping that if I coach people one by one and for longer time than three hour workshops, they may get the message clearer. It did not work. Instead of me coaching them, they came to these sessions telling me what they think about life and prayer and this and that. I could not charge any client if all they did was venting and not discussing, or changing their perspectives. And so, the day came where I heard those three knocks again. Knock, Knock, Knock… This time I was home alone with my youngest daughter. After much disappointments in trying to get the message out, and after so much money I spent to advertise it or publish my books, which ruined my financials, and after lots of disagreements that this situation brought into my second marriage where I was reminded that I had promised to raise my youngest daughter (fruit of my second marriage) as a Christian, but I failed to fulfill my obligations, I finally decided to separate from my husband. Yet, I was still holding on into something that had already died, and was destined to die from the beginning. I lived in my own apartment and he lived in his own apartment, and we had made such arrangements that children would not experience any frustration from this separation, especially my youngest one, our daughter. We were still together for holidays and vacations, and we looked so happy in the eyes of other people, even though my business was dying, my hopes to get the message out, nice and clear, were dying, yet I was holding on to that illusion of a “still a united family” with all my might. I, of course, opposed him taking our daughter to church on Sundays. I did not believe in Jesus’ salvation that Catholic Church, or Baptist Church or any other Christian Church relies on. I believe that salvation, if there is any, comes from within you and direct communication with the source of all knowledge. I do not believe that suffering brings salvation, but some resistance is needed to leave a trace and create a memory for the knowledge gained through an experience. These teachings that I had divided into 12 laws of antimatter in my books have nothing in common with Jesus’ salvation of humanity by dying on the cross. To me, that death was a mistake. To me, from the point of view of a logical person who uses science, psychology, and philosophy to explain events and reasons why such events happen, to me death and violence inflicted by the ignorant minds, is always a mistake, big mistake. It will always end in tragedy when ignorant minds are kept ignorant and are fueled with the hope of salvation. “If you do this, you will get that.” That is not the salvation and it is not the solution to any one’s suffering. In fact, the more people believe in the afterlife paradise, the more they convince themselves that suffering in this life will bring salvation in the other, the more they give permission to apply violence and suffering onto others. It just works that way, and I could not explained it myself any better than John Lamb Lash did it in his book “Not in HIS image: Gnostic Vision, Sacred Ecology, and the Future of Belief,” when he said, “The abused becomes the abuser…” And yes indeed, as he points out in his book, there are plenty of abused people out there that hold the potential of becoming abusers. What a tragedy.

As I was holding on so hard into a marriage that already failed time ago, I realized that the longer I was trying to make it work, so I would look good in other people’s eyes, the more we were stretching the links between us that were about to break at any point and hurt ourselves and our daughter. It was time to make a wise decision and let go of that string. In a very civilized way and the best, based on our circumstances, we decided to divorce and have a shared and joined custody for our daughter. This way we avoid becoming the abusers. Nevertheless, we had to explain to our daughter the most innocent, legit, but also hard to answer question that a child can ask. “Mom, you and dad were married, and that’s how you had me, right?” “Right.” “And you were friends then, and you loved one another, right?” “Right.” “But you are still friends with dad, right?” “Right.” “Then how come you are no longer married?” “Oh! That’s because people can be friends but not very close friends. To stay married two people have to stay very close friends. And sometimes this is possible, but sometimes, close friends grow apart.” Obviously she hit me with another hard question to answer, not only to a five year old but to anyone for that matter, “Why do friends grow apart?” And that was the time for me to reflect longer and realize why… More knocks were heard and this time I was alone…. To be continued…

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