It’s strange how I can’t find anything to hate in the story of my life so far. As I look back I can’t seem to find a single event that I would want to erase or relive it again differently. None, nothing. I regret nothing, and nothing to feel sorry about. I think that if I have to relive my life over again I will choose to act the same way. It’s not that I never had sad, hard, and painful moments in this life. It’s not that nothing bad happened to me, but what makes me want to treasure those hard moments, instead of erasing them, is that even those sad moments or the choices I felt ashamed for taught me life lessons and helped me retrieve knowledge that I could not have gained if I would not have made those mistakes . The “wrong” choices that I made, and all the experiences good or bad helped me become the person I am today. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel in peace because there is nothing I would hate or regret about this person I am today. Don’t get me wrong, I do not love myself because of my beautiful my face. In fact, I’ll share a little secret with you, I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror for too long and just admire myself. So I deliberately choose to look only at some parts of my face, like eyes, lips, nose, eyebrows, hair, but never at the full face at once. The reason? I don’t know, or I am not sure why. But one thing I know for sure, that in the life I lived so far I have been protected, watched, followed, and led in the right path. I’ve been upset and frustrated when I could not figure out why things went wrong. I’ve been sad and hurt when I was humiliated or taken for granted. But thank goodness, I have a heart that heals fast, and that is what makes me to forgive easily. Maybe is also the effect of my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and maybe ADD is a gift from God so I would be easily distracted and will not dwell in the misery for too long. Maybe that’s why one moment I cry, the next moment I wonder how beautifully a bird is singing outside my window, or how many beautiful colors are in that little rainbow formed at the corner of my bedroom. I never considered myself a romantic type, because I am looking for genuine feelings rather than glamorous but fake exhibition of love. So, even though with a hard personality to please, I never lacked the fairy tale moments in my life.
And now, where am I now? What is my life looking now? A bit boring, let’s face it, but full of beautiful memories of a short lived love story. It’s funny though because I didn’t know that I was that lucky, damn it. A dreamy boy that every girl would have died to have him, and I let him go that easily? During last year I learned new things I did not know before about this boy, and it seems that I made a mistake when I thought and judged that he could not be mine and so I refused to see him again. I made that decision to protect myself and other people involved from further heartaches, and I regret nothing. If I would be in the same situation and the same circumstances I would do the same thing. The hardest part will always be the moment when you realize that you’ve been deceived to believe in the wrong things. When you learn the truth there is a risk that you may hate yourself, blame yourself, and have a hard time forgiving yourself for not knowing better. I learned to overcome these hard moments by using a strategy which I discovered on my own but that Positive Psychology as a trend of Psychotherapy uses it too. This method is the trust that one builds through experiences that over time things will turn out for better. The more positive experiences of this nature one encounters, the stronger one’s belief becomes that things happen for a reason and you learn to be patient and wait for that reason to unfold before jumping into conclusions. I use this strategy a lot. That is why I can let go things easily, and decide to enjoy every moment of my existence.
So, looking back in the inventory of my life I feel truly, truly blessed and happy and sometimes I felt like a princess, other times like a goddess, then like a loved child, or an adored precious flower, I felt admired by friends, a devoted and appreciated mother, a woman that was always sought after, but not because I was sexy or romantic, but because I was a challenge for the boys and worthy to fight over. Indeed, there is nothing I would change in the story of my life. I love my story so far. I have two failed marriages, and one cancelled wedding two weeks before the event was about to happen, and I don’t consider them as total waste of time and energy, because with each relationship I learned something about myself or others. From the marriages I gained a lot; I gained the joy of being the mother of three wonderful children that every mother would dream of. I also gained two friends instead of two enemies, when I learned to compromise as I went through divorce procedures two times. I even had my dreamy wedding, the princes like wedding. So regrets on that department either, and because I learned to make peace as I divorced my ex-es, I can look back at our wedding pictures without feeling hate or remorse or grudges, but instead cherish and enjoy looking back at those moments as beautiful memories that enriched my existence. Above all, I have a job that I love. I go to work with the anticipation of the beautiful encounters with my colleagues and students that will increase the positive energy in my life. I obtained my Master Degree in Psychology, not because I needed it, but because I wanted it. Pretty much I did everything that I loved doing. And the best of all, I had a love story that I prefer to still keep it a secret in my heart. I am afraid the passion I shared with my sweetheart, if ever comes to surface, it will break many hearts. So I prefer to keep it to myself for now and treasure those moments in my heart forever.
Just this particular story is the only memory that still bleeds and I was thinking today: Would I want to go back and change something in this story so that we would not separate like we did? I tried to imagine a different outcomes, and in the end it did not feel right. I did not feel like changing my story. In fact, the harder this love story became the more I loved it. Of course, the struggle and hurt generated by our separation must come to an end, but not by going back in time and changing the story that I lived so passionately. Only a fool would change that love story, because believe me, those moments of passion are merely a gift that is not easily captured and not gifted to everyone.The struggle and the hurt can end at any time as we move forward in the future while keeping in mind the lessons we learned from our past mistakes.