It has been awhile since I last blogged, and here I am again with some very good news on my account. Today again I am getting the encouragement to speak to the world with the hope that someone could be reading my posts, and could be listening to what I share in this little personal-public cyberspace. Before I share my good news in this post, which I consider to be one of my biggest victories of my life, I want to say something about why I blog, and about what I blog and why I wrote the books that I wrote and how the latest victory of mine relates to all of the above. I will start by sharing that many times I questioned myself about the purpose of blogging and sharing my thoughts publicly. I asked myself, why am I doing this? Is it because of my ego; to satisfy myself and make myself feel important somehow? So, yes I question myself a lot of times, and just last night I had a clear understanding of why I blog and how all this started.
This clarity in my thoughts and purpose came after watching the movie Joy last night. I admire Jenifer Lawrence’s acting; she is and will always be my favorite actress and person. I would watch any movie played by her and enjoy the performance of her natural ways of making you fall in love with the character that she portraits, but this movie was bigger than just an enjoyment and entertainment. This movie, the story and struggles of the main character Joy, were speaking to me loud and clear last night. I finally remembered why I started blogging in 2010 and why I started my Master Program now at this stage of my life when nothing exciting is expected to happen by obtaining Master of Science in Psychology. Joy gave me a shake last night and reminded me that I am Joy; I feel like Joy, I think like her, and I have been through a lot in my life, through divorce and friendships, just like Joy. And it is because of all that pain that I have been enduring for the last 17 years of my life of what I went through, and how I healed this psychological pain and never allowed it to put me down, to stop me from achieving my goal, my purpose in life, that I decided to blog. Back in 2010, I decided to share my secret formula in my first book that I published Secret Beyond the Secret. Just like Joy, I felt that I had a product in my hands that could help those who were going through the same pain as I did, to help them heal the effects of psychological pressure, abuse and pain. I believed that I could do something to ease the pain for someone, anyone out there, that may be dealing with the same issues, same put downs and humiliation I went through. I shared my formula of healing that consists in three steps: Love-yourself, Accept-yourself, and Forgive-yourself. It was the painful experience that I went through, of psychological and mental abuse that made me realize that others can affect my circumstances in life, they have the power to totally screw up your life and turn your day upside down, and that can take you from I-love-my-life to fuck-my-life mood, but in the end, I realized that I hold the power of my thoughts and I can heal myself.
I believed in this product/formula and I still believe because I am the living proof of the miracle the formula can do to someone, but it was not easy to prove myself right. I was put down in every step of the way, I was called reckless and incapable of running a business, I was called a bad influence for my children, I was thrown papers in my face to accept bankruptcy, and to give up the custody of my children, and even give up on the title that I had on my own house. I was given the papers and threatened in a way that whoever may have been in that situation would have snapped. But, I didn’t. I had trust that what was meant to happen will happen, and I knew that all that was a play, a farce to discourage me for doing the right thing, sharing of what I came to discover. However, the threat was real, and I decided to keep calm and use my own formula, of Think-Pray-Dream-Dare, and I dared. I did not accept any of the accusations and I stood strong, holding my ground, and yes I threatened my threat back, because indeed I had a long list of facts that could prove that the person who was trying to hurt me so badly, was very very wrong; this person, with all his accusations, was a fraud.
It is true, I spent lots of money, believing in what I was offered to adverting my books, believing that all the efforts and money spent would serve some good for people who needed to learn about the psychological healing from the mental abuse. I am the proof that this process of self-healing works. But after so much struggle and pain that I went through without any results, with very little income from the sales of the books that never actually covered my losses, I decided that I had to give up on trying on helping others. Yet, something was hurting inside of me. I wanted to know if that was a wounded ego that could not accept defeat, or what is something else. I now know that it never was the wounded ego, never was about me. It was always about helping those who suffer like I suffered that know that are being treated unfairly. I believe I did not deserve the suffering that I went through, and because of this, I know how much it hurts to know that you are a good person but yet you are accused unfairly and treated with disrespect, humiliated, and put down to the point that you start feeling guilty and start believing what others tell you about yourself’s values. I know the pain and how unfair that is and I wanted to help. I would have felt tremendously guilty if I knew that I had the power to illuminate some souls and minds and to ease their pain, but I choose to take care of my good reputation instead. I just could not do that, because guilt would have eaten me alive. That is why I decided to take one more step, one last, very last step, and obtain my Master’s Degree so I could talk from the position of someone who has the credentials to share these thoughts.
I finally did it. I completed my Master’s Degree program, in a record timing and with honors. I should be proud of myself and feel like celebrating now, but the truth of the matter is that there is nothing to celebrate about. I already expected nothing less. I did this not for myself, for a name or to make money by selling my books and ideas. From the beginning, I had a different purpose in mind. This Degree was just to give me the right credentials to speak about the truthfulness of the healing process from scientific grounds. My real work must start now. Unfortunately, at this point I feel tired, and not so much motivated to run another marathon of sharing my ideas, in hope to helping others in need, and this, for many reasons, none of which is selfishness, because if there is one thing that always motivated me to do the right thing is the guilt feeling. But, it also triggers my fears that can lead me to do the wrong things when I feel guilty, just like everyone else. I know now how this process works as I worked on it, in my research for my Master’s Theses. In my Master’s Theses through the data analysis of previous well-known theories about personality (the self) and personality disorders, and based on recent studies and research, I tried to show that it is due to errors in the self-evaluation process that occurs inside our mind that many psychological problems arise. When the self, defined as Ego in Freud’s theory, evaluates the information that the self receives from the outside sources, the risk of misinterpreting this information exists, but it is not the only factor that can cause damage. In other cases, this information can be wrong, purposefully or accidentally. On top of this, not only the outside information can affect the self-evaluation process and cause errors, but also the inside information based on the previous experiences that we have saved in our memories, can also affect our judgment and the way we feel about ourselves. In this self-evaluation process that occurs consciously and unconsciously, we risk making mistakes and judge ourselves in a way that will trigger the self-defense mechanisms that Freud discussed in his theory of mental disorders.
I am happy that I did it; I found a way to show from scientific grounds that it is because of the errors in the self-evaluation that we misjudge ourselves and decide to misjudge others too as a form of self-defense. I can now say, that the three step healing process that I shared previously in my book Secret Beyond the Secret can help fix the errors that occur during the self-evaluation process, before they turn too big to handle by one on their own. I feel good but also tired at this point. It is not that I need any healing, as indeed I can do this with ease, using the three-step formula that I had been using for years now, but now I feel different from how I felt when I started my journey. Due to some facts that I learned recently, I now know that my voice has been heard, and I should not feel guilty at all if I take some time to enjoy life and heal from the emotional stress I went through in the last 10 months. I feel like I deserve to rest now and enjoy my time with family and friends, instead of jotting my ideas down on this blog. I am sure now, 100% sure at this point, that those who are interested in using the information that I shared in my books and my blog, are already doing so. All I wanted to do with my writings and my blog was to offer some way of self-healing for those who suffer the mental and psychological abuse like I did. I am not talking about physical abuse or sexual abuse. These matters are not discussed in this blog and I am not an expert in that area. The situations in which my books can help are of those of psychologically stressful moments when you are forced to make a decision to either blame yourself or blame others; and if you make the wrong choice, you will then be framed as either mentally damaged or as an evil, bad person. These are the situations that my books and my writing can offer help with: Choosing to blame no one in that process, but instead changing the perspective and realizing that others are victims of errors of their own self-evaluation process, just like you are. Nevertheless, in the end, one needs to realize that hating someone is not the solution but feeling sorry for them and allowing yourself to be abused by them is not a healthy solution either. Hence, since the purpose of this blog was never related to making me feel important about myself‒ I do not need such reassurance‒I believe that the purpose is completed as I completed my Master’s Degree too. I may continue to blog in the future for the same purpose of helping on seeing the problems under different perspectives. I blog because I am Joy and I have a product that can help you clean that mess, that of misjudgments due to errors in your self-evaluation process.