I believe I cannot change destiny, but I also believe that I can change the way I look at it.
I have noticed that when I change my perspectives, I suffer less. This tactic is not what we call in psychology Avoidance or Distortion of reality as a form of self-defense our egos/psyches develop to protect itself. Distortion first of all occurs when we totally ignore the reality, the pain, the suffering; totally ignore the outcomes of our actions or of other people’s actions. Distortion is when we blame others because it is hard to point the finger to ourself. Avoidance occurs when you delay dealing with a problem, or avoid talking about it. In psychology texts you find lots of weird examples of avoidance, like avoiding to go on certain areas or certain streets, but indeed avoidance is not that obvious and this bizarre. We avoid topics of pain, we avoid love because we remember that we have been hurt before, we avoid watching horror movies, I do. I don’t think avoidance is a bad thing, but when it is overdone may turn into paranoia or phobias. But it is some avoidance in the process of healing. A wounded soul, hurtful memories and all of that, are better to avoid certain topic or certain areas that bring back painful memories, for a while. Then they must come back to look at the reality again from a different perspective. Once we distance ourselves from our problems we are then able to understand the problem and what needs to be done. To distance ourselves from our problems is necessary because it will calm down our emotions. In psychology we call this I-system. When I-system is triggered we feel anxious and stressed. When I-system is calm we can reason better.
It is this knowledge that I gained through the materials I had to read for my Master in Psychology program, but also my own experiences that I went through and still do in life, that taught me that there are things we cannot change. There are things we can do absolutely nothing about them and there are things that we can change. Things that occur despite our own efforts to prevent them from happening will affect us tremendously. We feel the impact of such occurrences more than we feel the impact of our own mistakes. When something is happening and we realize that it is out of our control to change what is happening we immediately assume it is going to end badly for us, since we are not in control of situation. Hence, we resist that change or that event. Doing so, we can cause more delays and more trouble for ourselves. However, not always what happens is with the best intentions. That’s why we must always resist, but we must know how much and how far this resistance will go.
One of the laws that I explain in my book The Twelve Laws that Define a Human is the Law of Resistance. I explain this law using a parallelism with Ohm’s Law in electricity which states that the intensity of an electric current is in direct proportion with the difference of voltages and in indirect proportion with the resistance of the material that goes through. How I interpreted this law using psychology is this: The difference in voltage represents the new knowledge or new lesson we are supposed to learn as we go through a new experience. The bigger this difference between old knowledge and the new knowledge the bigger the impact this change will leave in our lives, parallel to the intensity of the electric current that will be also high. When we resist to learn these new lessons, or accept the change and new knowledge we will lower the impact and in the same way the intensity of electricity going through a material is lowered too. However, the more we resist the hotter the material becomes, at some point the material can even melt or burn because of this high resistance. As such, too much resistance is never a good thing. No resistance at all is not good either, because it impacts the reality but it does not impact the material. The material or our psyche in our case, does not have any lessons accumulated during that experience because there was no resistance and so there was no impact on us. When that happens, we basically allow ourselves to act like robots, like a mass of followers, like sheep.
The question is how do we know when to resist and when to let it go. I think I have the answer for that too, and that’s why I wrote the book Secret Beyond the Secret. In this book I oppose theories that came with the bestselling book The Secret. I oppose it not because I do not believe in The Law of Attraction but I believe in destiny first of all. Believing in Destiny opposes the idea of creating your own destiny. I explain in my book that we cannot change destiny but we can definitely attract what we need to learn our lessons quicker and reduce in this way the resistance and the pain during the process of the knowledge change. So, to learn how to detect the dividing line of pushing further or pulling back, is not a process done overnight. One needs to understand and then master the formula: Think-Pray-Dream-Dare in order to make it a life style and act upon it automatically.
It is because of this formula that I apply almost subconsciously nowadays, that I can quickly shift my perspectives from suffering to joy, from sadness and feeling loss to counting my blessings. No, I am not avoiding the reality, and I am not ignoring the pain, but I am strengthening my psyche by allowing myself to heal while I shift my perspectives.