I just finished watching one of the Black Mirror series titled “The Entire History of You.” It is this mini story that triggered the need in me to write about our obsession with ourselves. In this story we have three main protagonists, Liam who is married to Fee, Fee herself, and Johannes who seem to fancy Fee a bit too much which creates suspicion to Liam right from the beginning of the story. Being a psychologist and having the gift of being observant of little things like body language and clues, even when I look totally distracted made me feel pity for Liam and the way he was being lied at. I felt compassion for him, calling Fee a bitch, but as the story goes on, I switched sides. I felt compassion for Fee and Johannes, however, I did not approve the dishonesty. In my entire life I had been interrogated and questioned and blamed, oh so many times. I may have interrogated others too, because I could not help it, I could see clearly that something was suspicious. We all can see and feel it when things are not quite right. It is not our conscious that observe the truth of the matter, it is our unconsciousness. How? What we see with our eyes is transferred in our temporary memory in the front lobe of our brain. However, we do not perceive right away that something suspicious is going on in our spouse’s behavior if he or she is not our priority at that moment. Temporary memory deals with decisions we have to make on the spot; therefore it does not have time to analyze all that is sensed using our senses of vision or hearing. Hence this memory goes unnoticed and it is picked up by our unconsciousness which may trigger some other memories of similar situations. These memories are part of our unconsciousness therefore they are not conscious to us, as such they trigger feelings that we cannot explain. Some authorities in Psychology define this process as intuition. I have my reserves as what intuition really is, but I agree that these unexplained feelings are triggered by our unconsciousness not by what is obvious to our eyes or our consciousness.

In this show they made it easy for humans to just rewind the memories saved on a device and replay them to catch the lies. It was pretty painful to watch. I was wondering why was Fee lying and the more she denied it the more I was convinced that she was lying. If I were in her position, and had feeling for this guy, I would make my matters clear to him first, to either go on and make a future together or live it in the past. Then I would break the news to my husband. Indeed I have been in such awkward position before, and I know how it feels to have those feelings and try to manage a normal married life at the same time. However, mine was just a platonic love. We never kissed or touched one another in any inappropriate ways. The truth is that it doesn’t matter. “The actual act doesn’t matter; it is the thought that matters,” my mom used to say this every time she was upset with my father for flirting with other women. I agreed with her, helped her and consoled her many times, vowed not to marry a Don Juan, vowed not to fall in love with anyone, and yet I felt this unexplained thing, for some guy who was totally wrong because I was married. The fact that I felt something for someone that I was not supposed to, according to society and moral norms, tortured me, but I also liked it. What was wrong with me I just could not comprehend. I went to the washroom the first time I felt it and banged my head over and over on the wall, to shake of that memory and those intense feelings. I had many boys flirting and fancying me before but none affected me, no matter how handsome they were. I was totally cold because I had made myself a promise to not be weak of love and suffer like my mother. In my entire history of love before that moment, if one could call that love, I never really felt anything for anyone. I was tabula Raza, totally dry from such kind of feelings. Indeed I did not know that such feeling existed.

It felt wrong to feel so since I was married, but I keep asking myself, why should someone feel ashamed of love, of feelings that you cannot control? My life was already hell, because even though I made the decision to marry someone without feeling any more love than I would have felt for my own sister, I never thought it would have been so unbearable to have sex every night without feeling anything at all. I felt like I was being raped over and over and over. As such, when I felt this new sensation, new feeling I never experienced before, it was like coming alive and feeling different about myself than what I felt before. Before, I felt pleasure to play with boys’ feelings because I knew I was worthy. After I felt this feeling I felt worthy because I was pleased. Why was this wrong? I asked myself over and over this question. Yet, the family members realized what was going on and sure they felt that I was doing some injustice to their son, but was I? Their son was using me as a sex toy for pleasure, and out of our bedroom I was such a worthless thing to talk to or even accept my opinions on the family matters. I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter how the whole family was gathered in the living room debating louder and louder. They were debating because they had lots of properties before the communist regime took over, and now that we were under a democratic regime they could get back what properties were theirs before. In the middle of this debate I dared to open my mouth and express my opinion by supporting the opinion of another family member. My dear husband got up and shook his finger at me, and told me, “You have no rights to speak. These are my properties.” I got up, excused myself and locked myself in my bedroom feeling embarrassed and humiliated for being treated like that in front of everyone else. I knew I married my husband out of love for the sake of doing the duty as every other girl and boy had to do it at certain age, but I never expected to be treated with disrespect or to be humiliated, or to be raped every night. So, when I watched “The Entire History of You,” I felt sorry for Fee. It was obvious later in the movie that she had not been happy in her marriage, and she had been hiding this love story for 18 months. I know that it may seem awful but if one is in love, one never betrays. When you find your true love there is no reason to fall into someone else’s arms. The love of your husband will be enough for you.

Here is our main problem; we marry because we must look good and do what our society expects us to do. A successful man has a wife and it doesn’t matter if his wife loves him or he loves his wife, because marriage is just for show and to fulfill our biological needs. This is the problem with our society. We don’t marry because we feel love. Then when we feel abused we start fooling around, and when we start fooling around we get caught. It’s pretty darn easy to get caught no matter how well you hide it. As such I wrote the letter to this boy and told him to either cut it off looking at me like that or go on and do the unheard of, leaving my husband. He could do none of those, and continued to torture me and himself with sneaky looks. I got it that he could not control his feelings anymore and I could not control mine either for a while, but I never took a step in the wrong direction. If I was going to do that I would have left my husband first. However, even the random looks at moments no one was watching, at some point became hard to handle. So, I decided to stop torturing myself with fantasies that only hurt me rather than pleased me when I came to realize that in reality my sex life was like hell. I just could not think of someone else and have sex with someone else. I had always been true to myself and others, for as long as I remember. No I did not tell my husband that I was making love with my eyes, with someone he kept around like a fool. I was worried I may have hurt him if I told him the truth. I wanted to tell him the truth and leave him, but that was not an option because the whole society is built the wrong way, at supporting the image of love not the true love. However, if I would have reminded my husband then, about our contract before getting married, then he should not have felt disappointed for my choices. I tried to leave him many times, and many times he reminded me that it was financially impossible for me to live alone. I came to Canada and we totally agreed to have each our own lives but with one condition that he stays at home to see the kids and help somehow with the house chores. He was darn good at that. I agreed, therefore, whatever choices I made after that point I do not feel responsible or guilty at all. The truth is that I found these feelings again, I found that I was alive and it was nothing wrong with me. It was not my fault that I never felt good during sex; it was because I was with the wrong person.

And all these talk about sex and love is leading us to one matter, the ego. It is ego that pretends that everything is alright when in fact it is not. Ego is not the problem, what lies down in our unconscious is the real problem. In our unconscious we know we are with the wrong person and our unconsciousness is trying to warn us. However, our ego, the peacemaker between unconscious mind and the superego (the perfect image we want others to see in us), feels obligated to cease the fight and easy the contradiction between the unconscious mind, what we really want to do, and superego, what we want the world to see. If we are unaware of this process, then our ego, which is our awareness, will chose the easier way out, of lying to itself and pretending that everything is fine, as long as we hide the truth from the public eyes. However, when we become conscious of our unconscious and our deep feelings and we do not fight them or repress them but we honor them as they tell the truth, then ego can analyze all the facts and accept the truth without fearing the labels from friends, family and our society. But for ego to do so, one must become aware of their worth, and one must become aware of their unconscious and respect that and accept that unconscious is telling the truth. It is for this reason that I said in an earlier post that ego is not bad, we just use it the wrong way, because we are afraid to face the truth that our unconscious is about to uncover. We are afraid of other’s labels, and afraid that we will seem less worthy to them, but when we learn to accept ourselves then we no longer worry about others’ opinions.




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