We all love the Titanic movie, not the real tragedy though. Any one that you ask will tell you that they are touched by the love story in that movie. They all cry at the end when the main hero dies, and no one gives a second thought of the real tragedy of this event. I know, it is better to ignore the facts and concentrate on beautiful feelings even if they describe a lost love, rather than seeing the ugly truth of so many people drowning that macabre night. I watched this movie once and I am going to tell you that I did not like it, and I did not cry for the love story of the two heroes that tried to keep each other safe. I cried for the mother with two children stuck in her room, reading to her two children some books as so they may fall asleep and not experience the terror of drowning. Because of this scene I just could not watch this movie one more time. The pain I feel as a mother is too much, and I can relate.

There is pretty scary stuff on the internet these days. We all are exposed not just hearing about violence, and wars and terrorism, but we are also exposed to lots of new ideas about how our world will end and when it will. Just this morning I heard some pretty awful stuff about clones, and Illuminati and how this guy Donald Marshall is trying to expose them. I tried to avoid this conversation for a while on my posts or even thinking about these conspiracy theories because first of all I do not know how true they are and second if they indeed are true what is my contribution then? I am a mother, I love my children and I want to protect them. If I have to put them to sleep so they do not see the horrible truth, I will. I will lie to my children and I will put them to sleep and I will dance with them as if nothing is about to happen. I am a mother.

Being a mother makes you strong. I was always afraid of darkness and preferred to sleep with light on. When we experienced an Earthquake in my city when I was in grade seven I preferred to sleep with my shoes and jacket on every night so I can jump out of my bed and run down the stairs. I am easily scared, just so you know. But only when my children are around I become strong. I pretend that everything is fine, nothing is wrong. I try to laugh and joke around and act silly like them, because I am a mother. I remember, that no matter how many times I was disappointed at my mom for the way she handled situations and disagreements with me, or with my dad, in the end she was my mother, and she loved me. She was the one I woke up every night when I felt just the slightest ground shake. As I rushed outside to save myself from bricks falling on my head (they never did, it was just my imagination) she was the one running out and keeping me company, freezing to death sometimes in those cold nights half-dressed, because she did not have time to put a jacket on and she did not listen to my advice to sleep with all gears on. Outside, every night for a week or so, just me, my mom and some stray dogs, barking aloud. My dad never bothered to come out with us. My mom was the one keeping me company, and trying to comfort me as I was shaking of fear. My dad tried to console me once to not feel afraid but he just could not get a good reason to convince me why I should not be scared of earthquakes. And so, instead he moved into sharing some guilty feelings with me. He said that he saw some ants coming out of a crack on the wall two days ago and he closed the wall with plaster. Now ants were stuck in the wall. Maybe they were trying to come out because of the earthquake or maybe they caused the earthquake to teach him a lesson, so he should not kill any living thing. Even though I was still a child I was about to say, “Really dad? And you call yourself a scientific guy?”

So, how did I get over of my fear of earthquakes? I didn’t but I managed the fear later on, instead of the fear managing me. In one of these days when I was in grade seven, and the seismic activity was still high after the big Earthquake days ago, the ground shook pretty hard again and I was home alone. It was afternoon and as I rushed outside to save myself, I was literally blocked by an old man with white beard that I had never seen him before in my building. I wanted to pass him and run downstairs faster than him, but he did not allow me. He kept saying, “We go down together.” I thought he might be a guest of one of the families in our building. Nevertheless, I did not want to be rude to him or to my neighbors who were hosting him, but I wanted to leave him behind and save my own life instead. So I thought I should scream at him and tell him to leave me alone and to allow me pass through, but I had lost my voice. I could not form any single sound or yell. I was that scared. I was frozen. I just looked at his face and gave up. I told myself, “All right, I am going to die now with this old man who wants me to help him and go downstairs with him.” I thought that his was a pretty selfish act but I also felt sorry for him. We all fear death I thought no matter how old we are. I was scared of thinking dying under the pressure of five floor building and scared of feeling the pain from the bricks that would crush me down. But all the case scenarios of how I was going to die, they just played in my head and the never actually happen. At that moment as this old man literally blocked my way I realize that maybe I should not be that scared anymore.  I continued to walk down the stairs with this old unknown man. That night I took my boots off and put my pajamas on instead of the jacket and went to sleep, thinking that if I made it alive that day when this old man that was so slow and could not move any faster but could not barge to let me go either, then I must not be so afraid anymore. Another time again I came face to face with death, and only when I surrendered I was saved. By mistake I touched with my bare hands something that was operating with a current of 220 volts and I totally forgot to unplug it before touching it. How can I explain it to you what this thing was? It was one of those self-made boilers of water so we could take a shower with warm water. In Albania we did not have boilers made by factories and sold on the stores, or that could be integrated in the hydro system. My dad had made it by himself, but we had to unplug it before taking the shower. We also had to get up on a chair and stir the water before using it, because as we know hot water stays up and the cold water stays on the bottom. So I was about to get up on the chair and stir the water when I realized I had forgotten to bring the chair. So I decided to hang the big stirring spoon on the boiler and go get the chair. As I did so, I found myself stuck at the end of the spoon which was stuck at the boiler which was plugged into 220 voltages electric current. I was not be able to move or scream for help, or do anything no matter how much I tried. I only felt the buzzing feeling, which was very unpleasant, and the only thought that went to my mind was, “I guess this is how people die from electric shocks.” And as I surrendered, I was thrown off on the floor, safe and alive.

I realized that panicking never helped me. Only when I surrendered, I was safe. I learned to trust God and my destiny from that moment on. Therefore, even though I heard pretty nasty stuff this morning, yet, I am not sure to label them as the work of one side or the other. I am not sure if these people are telling the truth. What if they blame everything on Illuminati because they are instructed to do so? What is there is another organization operating just as hard as Illuminati? What if they tell only part of the truth and they exaggerate the rest of it so the masses will be scared and will jump into the throats of the leaders of the opposite side? How come these people are saying that they are scared for their lives and yet they are making these videos, they are being interviewed by many, and basically they live a normal life, probably better than mine. They say they are scared for their lives yet, they are still around for years now. They say that they were threatened that their videos will be blocked, yet masses of people are able to watch their videos.  So, as a mother I concluded to learn from my younger self and surrender. I surrender to whatever my destiny is and I am not afraid of this stuff, or afraid to die.

With all this psychological pressure nowadays, all the emotions I am feelings, all the ugly stuff that surfaced lately in my consciousness, with all these things that I learned which I would have preferred not to know since they do not help me to live in peace with myself, with all these I pretty much prefer dying over living. I would prefer to not exist at all. However, I made a decision, years ago. I became a mother. And I am indeed a very proud mother. My children are everything to me. As such it is my duty and my responsibility to their mother until the end. Even if the end is near, but I doubt, I would prefer to sing to my children, I would prefer to read them beautiful stories with fairy tale endings, I would prefer to dance and joke around and blame everything on our dog when I make mistakes, to make my children laugh, because I am a mother. So even if this ship is sinking, I will sink with it, but I do not want my children to suffer; I want my children to enjoy every second of living until the end of life. If you too have children then let’s stop spreading panic. Let them live in peace for as long as it lasts. True heroes and brave fighters of freedom do not need to involve children and panicked masses. Indeed, if they do that this shows a weakness on their side. It shows that they need some kind of divergence to win their war. If indeed there are groups fighting among themselves, then do not get involved into their conspiracy theories if there is nothing you can do. Raising awareness without giving solutions is a form of suicide. Instead of bringing awareness to what is going wrong, bring awareness to what people need that you can offer. A nice word, a hug, a sign of love, a better communication, offering an ear to listen to the needs of our friends and of our loved ones, making our children happy, and see the smiles in their faces, hear their giggles and laugh at their innocence until the last day, thinking you were a blessed man to have had those kids in your life, and you were a blessed woman to become a mother of those innocent souls, that’s what this world needs now.

 

 

 

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