Some things are hard to explain. For example, we all have some core beliefs in us that it is hard to shake them off even when we become aware of the damage they bring. Sometimes we wonder if there is a safe way around, where we can still believe on what we used to believe, and yet make room for some new beliefs and new habits that will help us accomplish our goals. It is the fight between heart and brain, feelings and logic. We reason that a change must be made for things to be set right, but at the same time our heart feels tight and we feel out of place and no longer ourselves to have to throw away what once was dear to us. This is the hardest battle of all, because you have to be in peace with both, your heart and brain. There is no way one can feel in peace with himself if one of those wins and the other loses. I know, I have said it before, and others said it before me millions of times that one needs to move away from the comfort zone, fight own fears and also endure pain so that one can learn and grow. Even traumas sometimes can help an individual grow; it is called Post Traumatic Growth (PTG), but it can also cause so much distress and can hurt the individual in all aspects, mentally physically and emotionally and it is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It is a fine line between PTG and PTSD. Indeed it is a fine silver line that divides everything in our lives; being delusional-a mental disorder that needs treatment, from being optimistic, being a crazy evil person that never gives up on his plan even at the cost of other people’s lives from being resilient and following your dreams and goals-no matter how many times you fall. You get the picture.
It is funny how things run parallel in life sometimes, and you know it is a coincidence, but it makes you wonder and realize that there is some truth in what we call the synchronicity of universe. As I am teaching my students about differences between being optimistic and being delusional optimistic, being resilient and being crazy resilient, PTSD and PTG, I started to notice that I am dealing with the same issues in my personal life as well. I need to draw a line between false hopes and hoping for the best that could actually happen. I can tell you that there is a real battle going on in own psyche right now, where I need to forget the past and move on with my life. I need to forget and not hope that things can turn to be as beautiful as they were for a very short period of time, when 10 years ago I met love for the first and last time in my life. I need to tell myself that that experience will never be repeated for me as Ardiana, why? Because people change. Life changes people. People are not the same anymore. People die, people are reborn. Lots of things can happen in ten years of separation.
I believe in reincarnation and there is nothing strange about this fact because our soul is nothing but a magnetic field. However, to make this soul conscious of its existence you need an electric field which is found when electrical charges are produced inside the cells of the human body. In other words, human body must be alive and functioning for the soul to be conscious of its existence in that body and then to function as one mechanism. Now imagine, taking this soul, this magnetic field and installing it into a new body that has no previous memories. This person will function perfectly fine, nothing wrong with this person’s feelings and emotions either; his reasoning and all the things that are needed to function as a human again, will be all checked. Yet, this is no longer the same person. You see, what makes me Ardiana is all the memories I carry with me since the moment I started to remember them. Those memories that I no longer remember are now deep into my unconsciousness but those that I do remember are affecting my emotions and make me the person I am for others to see. Unconsciously of course I have a deeper story to tell, unconsciously I may still act in strange ways and feel strange around certain people and evens but that’s something that happens inside of me. Obviously unconsciousness mind will affect my decisions in life, my attitude, and my thoughts, and even my beliefs, but it will not affect my emotions, my memories, my interactions with others, and the perception I have about them. Only consciousness and awareness affects my interaction with others. I can feel angry or sad, love or regret for others because consciously I know them, and there is a story to tell about our relationship. But if there is no story to tell, or when the person no longer remembers anything about me or me about him then there is no way we can feel the same for one another, even if unconsciously we may feel attracted to one another. Our old story, our past, good or bad is gone when the person no longer remembers the past, or does not remember what they did or caused to others. There is no need to feel mad, upset or ask revenge on other people either, as it happened lately in the news here in Toronto, when this person is or was under the influence of drugs or mental illness, and so on. Yet you can feel upset for the person’s decision on using drugs and alcohol in the first place, but before you judge so harsh think first why he or she decided to turn to drugs and alcohol? Often people do it because it is fun and then it becomes and addiction but before it becomes an addiction, it was a need to use drugs and alcohol. And we must ask, why? How miserable was this young boy’s life that decided to drink so early that September morning in 2015 where he killed three innocent children and their grandfather while crushed their car? Nevertheless, this post is not about judging but about reflecting earlier when we make our decisions in life. This post is about finding that silver line between good and evil, about the action that we must take even when others try to prevent you and actions that you must not take, especially when others remind you, like “Do not drink and drive.”
It happens that you meet someone, somewhere and you feel like you have seen this person before. Yes it happens. Just the other day at the vet, when I took my dog for a routine visit the secretary at the front desk seemed very familiar to me. I asked her if she worked at another vet clinic because I felt like I had seen her before. She confessed that she thought the same thing about me too. We started mentioning all the places where we could have met one another but none of the places rang the bell for any of us. So we laughed and moved on with our day. Weird, right? Well, maybe we have met one another in our previous lives but you see, we could not remember in what circumstances we were acquainted to one another before. We could have been best friends, or we could have been enemies, or frenemies, who knows? We just knew that something seemed familiar. Therefore, it is not just the soul that makes me who I am today. It is not just the DNA either. I am a full package when my memories are intact. Memories and the emotions that are related to these memories make the biggest impact in this life of mine. In fact they set the foundations for my next life as they turn into electrical impulses that are carried on into the unconsciousness. But for this life I am living now, memories are everything to me.
If the person you once loved changes, and no longer feels the same for you, that is acceptable, we all change but the memories are there and so there is chance for reconciliation. That’s why we have couple and family therapists. However, when people die and are reborn into a new body their memories are all gone, and there is no chance to reconcile and fix the broken hearts, just as it is no chance to fix mistakes, because no one is aware of what they did in the past or why they do what they do when they feel urged by their unconsciousness. All is due to these impulses stored into unconsciousness. Therefore all the memories of the past are hidden to our consciousness and our mind at the present time. As such, it is wrong to open old books and old dusty facts asking these new people to pay for the past mistakes. Let nature take care of it. Yes nature or universe can take care of it, because universe is like a clock, like a mechanism that works perfectly fine the way it is working right now and needs no one to fix it. This universe has its own laws, some of those we know like “Everything happens for a reason,” or Karma, and some you may not know like the law of grudges, which will match you with those who did you injustice in the previous lives, and now it is up to you to take revenge on them or make peace. Most of us may not be aware of the fact that this is the law that is playing in our life. We may think that others are mean to us because they are bad and evil souls, while others may think that we are lazy or incompetent and we need punishment or reprimanding to be set straight, on the right tracks and so on. Every relationship we enter if it is not manipulated, then it is not by chance, it is set by the universe itself. However, we can also say that sometimes we make certain encounters happen and they turn out to be beautiful and inspiring. If they were manipulated then they must not be set by the universe and so they must be wrong.
So, this is the battle that goes on inside myself lately. But I concluded that if it felt so right then it was right, and it was what universe wanted to happen in the first place. If it was wrong there should have been signs trying to prevent that encounter, there should have been some bad feelings in those encounters, but it was nothing like that. It was purity, fun and maximum pleasure where logically should have been all shame, guilt and doubts. So, sometimes manipulations do occur as we are urged By the universe to accomplish exactly what universe wants us to accomplish. The secret is in the feelings, not in emotions that come from your hurt pride, not from logic either, but from those deep feelings that make you feel in peace when you are doing the right thing. If you feel too emotional and overloaded with not just one but many other emotions like guilt, anger, hurt etc., and because of these emotions you are driven to push yourself and others to do things that will ease these emotions thinking that this will bring you peace, than this is manipulation, and it is wrong. But if it feels right to be with someone and it is mutual and the only emotion is pleasure, and the only feeling is acceptance then honor it because it is universe talking to you and guiding you. The secret of knowing where the silver line is set? The secret is in the feeling inside of you. If it feels right, you accept, you surrender, if it feels wrong but still you push forward then it definitely is wrong.