This morning, after I pulled an all nighter for the first time in my life, I finally finished one of the books I started reading since December 5 last year. Lol, I say one of the books because I have this strange habit of starting two or three books at the same time. Anyhow, this book was amazing, amazing, amazing. And really it doesn’t matter what book, because it has to be a book that speaks to you personally. You see, some books touch you more than others, some books manage to change your view to the world or to your problems, some books may change your life entirely and may even give you a different motivation to exist. This book managed to do all that to me. It is funny because I read only the first two chapters of this book, and I loved it so much, because it was very inspiring and uplifting. And because I loved the beginning so much, I did not want to continue reading the rest of it because I often fear that something beautiful usually does not last.
So it took me one month to get over one of the hardest automatic thoughts that drives my attitude in life, consciously and subconsciously, that beautiful things don’t last for too long in my life. I would like to consider this my first breakthrough, my first victory of 2016. Automatic thoughts, as psychologists explain, are those thoughts that influence each individual’s reasoning, conclusions and decision making in life. These thoughts are formed through life experiences and are hard to get rid of if they are related to a trauma or repressed memories of childhood. I know that my automatic thought also comes from my childhood. The moment I lost my little brother Andy, when he died when he was one year old and I was only four, I felt like the most beautiful part of my existence was stolen away from me. As our parent often argued with one another, I bonded with this little pure, happy soul, as it was very comforting to just talk to him and watch over him, so he would not get hurt, instead of waiting for our parents to give us some attention. I regretted it so much that, according to what my mother tells me, I never kissed my brother or hugged him or cherished him like every big sister would treat their little brothers. Instead, I stayed in watch for him as if to make sure that he would be OK but I never smiled at him or at anyone else for that matter. For many years I just could not accept the idea that Andy died, and so I kept fantasizing that some people rescued him because he was not dead and of how one day I will find him again, and I would tell my parents, “Ha! I told you so. Andy did not die.” It took a long time for me, many, many years to accept the fact that Andy had left us for good. And that’s when I started to believe what later became my automatic thought that my life will never be worthy of existence since good things never last for me.
The experience I went through the last couple of weeks, and especially this book gave me a different perspective in life, that maybe losing something beautiful in our life is not as bad as we think it is. Maybe it had a purpose, maybe it was done to teach me to surrender. All my life I had a hard time letting go, surrendering to negativity, to loss, to accepting what’s done is done. We often think this is a good quality, as people call it resilience. In my case I think it was a necessity to learn to surrender, because as my parents often pointed out I was too stubborn as a child. As I learned to surrender I learned to trust God to take care of the rest of my problems when I couldn’t. I learned to surrender and let go when I realized that I was fighting battles bigger than I could handle or win. However, learning to surrender came with an issue of its own, which is this automatic thought that I formed that nothing beautiful lasts in my life, because I am a lost cause.
I cannot say that this book unrooted this thought out of my consciousness entirely, but at least gave me a different point of view and some understanding as why some beautiful things do not last or did not last in my life. I now understand lots and lots of things that I did not know before, and I am starting to think, beautiful things do last in my life, just not too close for me to enjoy them, and so, I have to be pleased with the idea that beautiful things did last in my life in the form of beautiful memories, pictures, ideas, feelings.. However, as one problem goes, another one comes in and I am more and more thinking now that maybe beautiful things do not even belong to this life at all. Maybe I am dreaming a nightmare from which I have to wake up. Unfortunately, I have learned to surrender in this life and I do not know how to wake up and shake off this nightmare from my head. I am clueless at this point. Today I have no answers as how my life will go on or what I need to do to get the right things done, but maybe tomorrow is a different story. Again this resilient spirit in me keeps fighting to stay alive by never giving up on thinking positively… Is resilience a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know, but what I know is that some books can change your life completely.