Only five more days till Christmas Eve. For me Christmas Eve has always been the most magical time of the year and I have always celebrated the evening of 24th instead of the 25th. No idea why that date was always my favorite. Could it be that it is an even number and I always long to be with someone, could it be that is a multiple of 12, and 12 has always been a good omen for me. I really have no idea. When I was pregnant with my youngest child, my life was at risk and doctors wanted to intervene to induce the labor 3 weeks earlier. They gave me two choices, the 24th of December, or the 26th of December. 26th of December was out of question. Just mentioning it, it gives me chills. On December 26th 1999, I lost my other baby at four and half months pregnant and I almost lost mine too. Without hesitations I chose the 24th of December. Now I told myself, one more reason to justify my feelings as why I love Christmas Eve more than Christmas day. But now I know why Christmas Eve is so special to me. Now I know.
It is at this special time of the year, on Christmas Eve that you can make your wishes, with good intentions of course, and the wishes will come true before the next Christmas. There is some really good, positive energy going around at this time of the year and especially on December 24. I would not take the risk to look foolish and sound crazy for sharing this publicly if it was not true. I have come to this conclusion after 16 years of practicing it. On December 24, 1999, I made a wish…Lying in a hospital bed for two months already, trying to save the pregnancy even though my bleeding never stopped for two months, doped on drugs to not feel the pain, but which made me startle even is someone would walk by, I made a wish. I said, “God I love this baby with all my heart, and I wish his life will be saved, but…If my life is in danger, I do not wish to die because I have an obligation already and wish to raise my four year old daughter which I brought to Canada in the middle of no where with no other family to support her other than her dad, which in fact needs me more than a child needs his mother.” I was booked in for blood transfusion on December 26th, since I had lost so much blood, but strange things happened and in a twirl of events and I really mean it things changed instantly. It was a heck of a show of how my body was convulsively humping up in the air about one foot above the bed and being dropped on my bed again, until the baby came out. My baby died, while I survived, and I regretted it so much for years, because it hurts losing your baby especially if you blame yourself for making that wish. I wanted to have another baby but doctors said I may never be able to have more children and the truth was that I was afraid to take that step again, because of that bizarre experience. So I cried in silence every time I saw another pregnant woman. I waited for almost four years until I got the courage to wish to have another pregnancy despite what doctors have told me. I made the wish because that was what my heart wanted and I got pregnant again and I am happy to share that in November 2003 a healthy boy, my son was born. What I learned through my experiences is that wishes really come true. Therefore,for many years after, nonstop, I made my wishes on Christmas eve and have never been disappointed, not even once.
Last Christmas I made a foolish wish, greedy maybe, but I wanted to give it a try. I asked Santa for my Prince Charming. Tired of being alone and with the only satisfaction in life of taking care of my children and my career, I felt I needed some true love, human love, love of a man. So I asked Santa to bring me true love in my life. I was embarrassed to tell anyone what kind of wish I made, because everyone around me sees in me a strong woman that needs no one and that is an inspiration and encouragement for others. Yet in my heart I was longing for love. I made up stories in my mind, truly believing that I will find my prince charming in 2015 and I even traveled to Vienna, because I thought attending a princess ball in Vienna what better place would there be to find your prince charming… LOL… Crazy, I know… but this is how much I trusted that my wish would come true, because it has always come true before, without failing. So I had no hesitation on traveling and spending some money, because I had no doubts that 2015 would be the year I will find him, my true love.
The truth is, that even though I may seem strong and independent, even though I feel good about myself, who I am and what I can do with my skills and knowledge, I still feel the emptiness of being alone, incomplete, as if half of my soul is missing. Now, it is not hard for me to get a man for myself, believe me. Everywhere I go I have them easily following me, but I just cannot fall for them. As my close friend already knows, I can see through their souls and I see plenty of holes which I am not willing to fill. I feel so distant from any man out there, even the one I met in the garage of our building last night, the gorgeous man with the Mercedes Benz parked just a couple of cars beside me. He opened the door for me that lead into the lobby, even tried to engage in conversations while waiting for the elevator, of how cold is getting out there, and all I did was nodding my head while checking messages on my cellphone. Then it hit me that I was being rude to a human being, so I tried to be polite and as we were getting in the elevator I thought I should say something too, just to be polite. So I asked him, “Are you new here?” I almost felt saying, “are you new because I’ve never seen that Mercedes Benz in our garage before?” LOL and he made quite some noise as he was getting out of his car, which made it hard not to notice him. So he answered yes to my question, and then he proceeded asking me for how long have I been living in this building. I gave him my answer without looking at him and feeling like running away. I was actually glad that I arrived at my floor so I could just shovel myself out of the elevator as quickly as possible, and so the conversation would end right at that point.
So, was this man the prince charming that I asked Santa for last year? Nope, he is not. I know this because my heart belongs somewhere else. Santa did bring me back this year, an old love. This year I was shocked to learn who that person was, the one I met 10 years ago, who secretly shook my world and made me feel happy to just be myself. Santa kept his promise and I am thankful for that. Somehow things went wrong though, and I don’t seem to connect with my old flame even though now I know who he is, who my true prince charming is, even though I know that he knows who I am (my last name has changed) and where I am now, for some reasons we seem to be drifting apart. So, Santa did his job, my wish came true I finally realized why I am so distant and indifferent to everyone else. Thank you God for revealing the truth to me. Last night I took a walk alone at that special place I met my true love 10 years ago. It felt great, even though I was alone. I believe that last night I realized that my love for this person is still in my heart no matter how and under what name he was introduced to me. I let go of that old fake name last night, and the anguish I had every time I was thinking of him. I let go of all old and beautiful memories of the past. I let go of everything, and as I let myself free of old ties, I ask God to bring into my life what is meant to be mine. If this old flame was indeed my destiny, as I feel in my heart he is, then let it be so. Dear Santa, I always trusted you, and you never failed to fulfill my wishes, thank you. This year I do not wish for my prince charming, as you in fact are so generous and sent me more than one. Instead, I wish for God’s will to be done. If I am meant to be with whom I feel and think is my true and only love I ever felt for anyone in this life, then let no one come between us anymore. I think I had proven more than once that my heart belongs to one and one only. So why delaying it anymore? This is not my fantasy, this is not my past memories, this is not me feeling lonely, as I do have so many opportunities to not feel this way, but I choose to do so, because my heart cannot settle with anyone else.
My wish this Christmas: Let God’s will be done, as I know God’s wish is for everyone to be happy and to be with their true love. Amen.