better

I was always lonely, no siblings to play with, no adults to pay attention to me. I was sad, a very sad child. In this family photo are my parents and I at age of 10. So, yes there were adults in the household but they were always arguing and never happy with one another. My father who looked like David Beckham, without hair, but with a very charismatic personality was always under my mom’s microscopic observation to find out what did he do wrong each day and each minute of the day. I loved my father as we shared same passion for science and for doing things our own ways, but seeing my mother always crying, complaining, and then begging him to stay, I started to question how nice of a person my father was. My dad was and still is a very passionate and sensitive person, but it took me 40 something years to understand that it was my mom’s fault for ruining their marriage, for ruining what could have been the most passionate love story. I finally told my mom this summer, ”Lady, you had a gem in your hands, and even though you appreciated his value, you end up losing him by grabbing onto him too tight.”

So what’s their story about and what did it teach me? First of all, all the nagging and jealous feelings, as I mentioned on the previous post, come from not knowing or from doubting your values. Based on today’s standards of mental disorders, my mom could qualify for Narcissistic type. Narcissistic personality would always think so high of themselves and finds everything wrong with others. And I believe there is a fundamental mistake with this definition, as in fact the Narcissist would not give a damn what others are thinking or doing if he or she really thought that high of themselves. Therefore, they don’t. They doubt their values and in order to repress these tormenting thoughts they jump into surface of all the problems by pointing the finger at other people. According to my mom, it was always my dad’s fault that she was unhappy. But how? My dad, every time he came home instead of hugging me, the only child he had, he would ask, “hey, where is your mom?” And then he would search for her in the house and lift her up, and hug her and kiss her and make her feel appreciated. People called him extravagant, degenerate, because who would kiss so publicly and especially in front of the kid in Albania those days? Yet, my mom complained and nagged and nagged. I reached to the point that I begged them to separate from one another, but my mom would say, “No, I know that he still loves me, but he has to change.” What a madness… You have a gem and you want to change it, carve it, to make it less valuable?….I don’t understand this logic now, but I was just a child back then and I suffered and their relationship left a scar on me. So, I decided to say no to all the boys that seemed charismatic, passionate and sexy because I feared that they were bad, like my dad.

It took me years to understand why I was constantly chased by boys who were sexy and charismatic and why I should not be afraid of them. It took me lots of trial and errors to figure out that a less passionate person would not make a good husband or partner, and the less risky personality would not make me happy at all. In fact, when one partner is more passionate than the other, the more passionate one will end up being blamed for all the troubles, just like my dad and I were constantly blamed for running away from clingy people. Therefore, for a good relationship there needs to be two strong points to consider before saying yes:

1- Are you both at the same level of passion, desire, zest, valor?
2- Are you both at the same level of knowing your own values?

Keep these two points in mind and the rest can be worked out.

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