The funny thing happened this morning. I just had a revelation that someone was trying to make me jealous. When I realized that I burst into laughing. I of all people cannot be affected by jealousy, because other jealous people have affected me so much in life that I learned to despise that feeling and never allow it in my heart. Literally, jealousy has been chasing me all my life. When I was young, I always somehow ended up with two boys courting and flirting with me, and I could not make up my mind. For example at one point in my mid 20’s, one boy was cute and gentle, always ready to lift my burden, open doors for me, serve me, bring me flowers, and shower me with attention, while the other one was “I don’t give a damn,” kind. I called him “Me-ne-frego.” Yet, he was looking at me so intensely that chills went through my body and I wanted to surrender into his arms if he could just ask…even though he barely talked to me, and when he talked it was to criticize me for being spoiled and wanting all the attention. Menefrego even argued with the other boy for ordering food for me, since I was capable of doing that myself. I learned later that he was in fact hurt badly by my “don’t give a damn” attitude. He thought I would remember him from the competition in physics years ago, while to me, years ago no one existed but me and the formulas of physics… In fact, I had another cute, playboy right at my feet, bagging me for attention, competing with me for the same prize in physics, representing the same city, and our fathers were friends. So why would I cared for Menefrego that was not even close to the charm and confidence the other boy (Lore….) was displaying. Yes I never cared about that playboy either. I was cold to everyone because I always saw through people and their emotions. Am I blessed or am I cursed to have such ability? Well, I feel blessed, because in the core of my existence is the curiosity and the need to know the truth.
So, why jealousy does not affect me? Because jealousy is an ugly feeling that is produced only when you think less of yourself. When you feel hurt by someone’s actions but you know your values, you do not feel jealous; instead, you open the door for that person to leave your life freely. However, If you start understanding the truth behind people’s pain and the façade they put to not show that they are hurt, and at the same time you know your worth and your values, then not only you cannot feel jealous, not only you keep the door open for people to come and go freely from your life, but you also start caring about people, start worrying about how they feel, how they are doing. You start wondering too much on how to help others to ease their pain. And that’s what I need to stop doing. I need to learn that people have to fight their own demons, their own battles, and I can only help them if they want me to, but I cannot assume that they are ready to hear me.

2 thoughts on “Why Jealousy is not my thing

  1. I like your sentence about jealousy and self worth. I have never actually thought in this way but you are right, we are only jealous when we feel less about ourself. So the lessons for all of us is to work on our self confidence to not be jealous. Thanks for the brilliant post!

    Like

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