Don’t be afraid to feel sexy…

Anyone who has known me for years may now think, while reading these lines, “Look who’s talking?” Yes, I was and still am a bit timid talking about sex or showing my sexy side. The truth is that the sexier you feel inside the more you try to hide it, especially if you have encountered some really bad life experiences in your childhood, (Freud, Freud, and no one believed you). Just for clarifications, I was not raped in any way, as just by luck sometimes and just by learning to lie to my predators, telling them, “wait for me here, as I have to do something quickly before I get in trouble from my parents. I’m coming back in five minutes,” I survived. But that made me very cautious about hiding my sexual desires, and making sure I did not look like a girl that is easier to approach. I never followed fashion or cared about how I looked. Nevertheless, I had constantly been in danger. Just months before moving to Canada from Albania, as I was returning home from the market, I was approached by a taxi that kept following me at my pace until I realized that and started running as fast as I could. Women’s trafficking was something very common in Albania at that time. And it did not matter that I had a boy hat, my jeans on and just an ordinary plain shirt. However, I survived, and none of these situations put me down or made me feel less worthy. Yet, all these bad experiences made me very cautious to keep my sexual desires under check, and making sure that people do not see me as a sex toy but as a smart woman that can give something to the society. Even to this day, I do not feel comfortable if someone would complement me on how I look. I may give people a smile and a thank you when I receive such complements, not because I appreciate their complements but because I do not want them to feel bad for trying to make me feel good. Just the other day, some students at the college I teach, complemented me on how I looked that day. I smiled and said thank you as usually, and wanted to leave it at that, but just could not help it and so I continued, “…well let me tell you a little secret about myself. I never actually pay attention on what I am going to wear each day. I enter my closed and the first thing I see I grab it. So you may see me coming to class teaching in my pretty dress and the next day I may come here teaching in my pajamas… What would really make me happy is if you guys tell me: Miss that was such a wonderful lesson you taught us today.”

The truth is though, that the more you repress your nature and those feelings of unfulfilled desires, the stronger they get and at some point many people start experiencing mental break downs. Well, I didn’t. Not that I never cried myself to sleep as my desires were never fulfilled, even though I have rarely been without a partner. So instead of paying attention to my unfulfilled desires and showing my sexiness to every stranger in the street, I decided to focus that energy into studying and paying attention to my children, letting my inner child be part of my children’s life and get some of that steam out in that way. I started to notice that this energy accumulated in me for years had in fact some benefits. It is called skills and talents. When I started to write my book “The Truth” I finally realized why sexual desires are nonetheless an indication of great talents. People, who do not have much luck in steaming that energy out the usual way, they often end up creating masterpieces in art, music or science. And there is nothing strange in this logic, because if you believe in God, or a divine creator like I do, then think of it, isn’t God a source of such tremendous creative energy, life creating energy? And so, what better organ than our sexual organs can express that creative energy? In a more scientific way we can argue that some concentration of electromagnetic energy in the navel chakra, can create the feeling of constant pressure in that particular area. Some people misinterpret those sensations as something unacceptable, and embarrassing, or even worse, as something to be proud of. That energy is a gift and is given to us to do great things with it, not to be wasted in careless ways, up and down in uncontrollable sex. Cherish that energy if you ever feel it, and do not be afraid of it. Do not be afraid to create.

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