love

I didn’t think that “love at first sight” would still be a question nowadays, but apparently, I learned that people still believe that such love exists. In fact, people more and more, start basing their judgment about what love should feel like on how they feel when they look at someone for the first time (first impression) or on what it feels like being with someone that makes you happy. So, I decided to write two words on this topic, analyzing love from a different angle.

Love is to care about someone to the point that you are willing to make sacrifices for this person’s happiness. You are willing to sacrifice your career, or move cities because this person wants, needs you and at the same time you need that person, and you want to be near him/her. If you truly love someone then any sacrifice required to make this connection of two souls, you will do it, without calculating what you will get in return. A universal example of love at first site is the love you feel for your child. You know from the moment you meet the innocent eyes of your baby that this person will be very special to you, and you will never stop thinking day and night about how to make that little person happy and how happy your child makes you.

Now, love at first sight with a stranger you meet in the street, restaurant or bar does not exist, because what you feel is not love, it’s lust. You realize that you have a long commitment with your just-born baby because baby is cute, helpless and is under your responsibility and care, but you do not have such commitment with the stranger. You would not sacrifice everything to be with a person you just met. If you do then either you are an obsessive type or your current life is so bad that you are looking for an escape. Either way you need serious help.

Love at first sight does not exist. But what do I know about “love at first sight?” How can I explain that strange, hypnotic, butterfly and quite magical feeling that you get when you meet someone for the first time and your eyes once they interlock are unwilling to let go of that moment? Is that love at first sight? Well, I do know this feeling quite well actually. I had that experience once in my life. I was literally hypnotized when I looked some stranger in the eye. It could have been only for two or three seconds but to me it felt like an eternity because of the amount of effort I had to apply to look in another direction. We both had a very hard time taking our eyes off each other. I was studying at the university at that time, and on my way to the dorm, my friends and I run into another friend who was accompanied by a handsome boy which I never met before. It was just a polite greeting among friends, “Hey guys, how are you, what’s up?” Yet, the strange thing happened; I froze and this other guy (friend of my friend) was frozen too. It was a reaction that did not go unnoticed. I managed to shake my head and walk away, but his image was still in my mind. The same thing happened to him too. This boy asked our common friend to introduce us. I managed to control my temptation and say “No, to love at first sight.” So, I refused to meet this boy. Well, as expected, he did not believe that I had said No, or that I was serious about it. So, he decided to ask me directly. Can you imagine how hard this moment would be for a young girl like me who felt this strong connection with a stranger, for the first time in her life, to see him face to face again and resist the temptation of saying yes? What made things even worse, was that this second encounter could have taken place in the streets, or at a restaurant, or after school, or anywhere else, and still would have been a torture for me to say no to this handsome creature, instead it happened to a dance party. I just cannot imagine anything worse than that for temptation to prevail. In the late eighties, dance parties in Albania were not like group dancing today where is no need of physical contact  with your dancing partner. Our dance parties were like ballroom dancing but in casual dressing. Imagine, the guy you felt love at first sight coming straight to you, putting his arm forward and politely asking you to dance with him. What would someone in that position have done, when inside yourself there is a wild battle going on? You know that if you look him in the eye you will not resist any longer but if you refuse to dance with him that would be very unpleasant, not a lady-like behaviour. So, I accepted the dance.

Situation becomes harder and harder to handle as we both dance so much in harmony with one another. Not only the music, the physical touch, the synchronized movements of our bodies, the fact that this guy was freakishly confident, polite and handsome, made the temptation of saying “yes” so hard to resist, but we were also left alone on the dance floor, as all our friends were curious to know what would happen next? Would I say “yes” or “no” to him? The boy finally asked the question if I wanted to know him better and go on a date with him. I said “No!” As I was dancing, I was shaking and always keeping my eyes looking down to not betray myself. He just could not believe of what I said, because my whole body was betraying me and my heart was racing like crazy. I explained to him at that point (without dare looking him in the eye) that all my emotions and my brain which was fogged by these emotions were telling me that I wanted to date him and to know more about him, but my gut was telling me differently. Somehow, I knew it was not going to work between us, as we were so different in many other ways. He stopped the dancing, which made the situation even more dramatic and tempting. Right there, on the dance floor, just the two of us, with his arm still wrapped around my waste and hundred other eyes directed on us, waiting in awe for my answer, he asked me again, and this time he said, “If you are so sure about your answer and not doubting your decision a bit then, please say no while looking me in the eye.” I gathered all my courage, looked him in the eye and said, “No, I don’t want to date you. I already know that you are amazing, but I also know it will not last between us.”

Did I have a reason to say NO? Yes I did. The reason was not that I did not believe in the love at first sight but the opposite, I did not believe in everlasting love. I knew I was hypnotized by his presence and I knew I wanted to be with him so badly. I knew that every cell of my body was screaming to fall in his arms and say yes, and I knew that every single one of my friends would have died to be in my place, but I also knew he was not the right person for me. I knew that after passing the first stage of our hypnotic encounter and finally coming to our senses we would then realize how different we were from each other. He was an actor, or was studying to become one, and I was studying to become a mathematician and science person. Not a good match, not a match made in heaven. Our viewing of life was quite different from one another at that point. I was too serious person, always into studying and thirsty for more knowledge, while he was too happy going person always into partying and looking charming. He was used to being praised for his beauty; I was used to being praised for my brain. We were too opposites in every way, except chemistry.

Do opposite attracts or do likeness attract? I believe it must be a balance. Too much of opposite, even when the attraction is strong (like in my case and that Georges guy), is never a good sign. Having very little in common, you will grow apart and regret being with your partner if he/she does not understand or support you in other ways. Too much likeness is also bad, because your partner will turn into one of your best buddies, with no attraction or mystery left to explore. The balance must be just right for the everlasting love to outlast. This seems almost impossible to achieve, but is there love at first sight? Twenty five years ago I would have answered, “Yes there is love at first sight, I felt it, but there is no everlasting love.” Today, my answer is: No, there is no love at first sight, there is chemistry and everlasting love. If you hit both you hit the JackPot.

So, what made me change my mind and where do I base my new opinion? Well, lots of things happened in my life and I grew up to learn to love people more and more. So that’s how my perspective also changed.

Today, I believe that love at first sight doesn’t even qualify as love because as we generally define love, love is a feeling where you would do anything to make the other person happy. And when you do that, you become a better person too, and start looking at the world differently. In true love, the other person’s happiness is the center of your attention, and that will make you happy afterwords, because when you make that person smile, you will reach heaven. In love at first sight your happiness is the center of your attention. You feel this irresistible tingling sensation in you and if you are selfish enough you would want this person to stay with all the time, until he/she is not a mystery to you anymore and the tingling sensation will stop. But, if you are strong enough to pass the temptation of that undeniable good feeling, you will realize that the other person is not your property. Love at first sight is not love, it is just a strong chemical reaction that occurs inside our bodies when both people are compatible on the physical plane. As life has proven, so many times, love at first sight, a.k.a. lust, does not last very long, and later you will regret your decision. Everlasting love however, lasts forever and you will never regret your decision. Everlasting love is willing to sacrifice everything in a whim to make the other person(s) happy not because it is a pleasure making sacrifices, but because it is a true feeling of goodness that comes from your consciousness which must be honoured more than chemical reactions inside our physical body and brain.

Everlasting love is true, and that is true love. We see everlasting love happening a lot around us daily without even recognizing it. Everlasting love is embroidered in our souls (consciousness); is the love for humanity and peace, the love to make things better for those in need. Usually we cannot explain the everlasting love. On the other hand, any feeling of love that has a logical  explanation is not true love. For example, if you say, “This must be love because it makes me feel good inside and out, and it makes me feel happy, etc.,” this feeling has a logical explanation. This feeling explains how your physical body feels, which then stimulates the brain to produce positive thoughts as well.

Everlasting love, mixed with strong chemical reactions is the true love, and you know it is the true love when it make absolutely no sense for you to sacrifice your life style, your image that you have created, or anything else that you have build  and that risks to be destroyed if you make the decision to honor this love, yet you take that step and you make that decision because it feels just right, beyond logical explanations. But selfish love which derives from feelings of euphoria, as a result of chemical reactions in your body and then boosted by the imposed or self-imposed thoughts that one is very important, such love does not make any sacrifices. Instead, this selfish lover will argue that by winning other person’s attention then he or she will gain not lose.

In conclusion: Everlasting love is quiet and operates on the background, and have no explanations for what you feel; Lust or love at first sight is loud and operates at your sight. If you can experience both, then you are the most blessed person on this planet.

2 thoughts on “Love at first sight versus everlasting love

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