Someone I know is going through a tough time at this moment. It has to do with her relationship and a decision that she has to make for her future. She came to me for advice. It is hard to give advice on this delicate matter. I do not consider myself an expert in love, but I have seen a lot, been in different relationships, and never been truly happy. As a result of my previous failures, I now know what works and what does not work for me, and what works for every couple, sort of in general. So, it all depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for a guy to put a ring on you, well then, I can teach you that, but I have chosen not to do so. One client of mine, a couple of years ago, got really upset that I refused to help her with this. She never understood my point at that time, when I told her that I was doing her a huge favor; I was saving her from future heartbreaks. And here is why.
In my experience, I learned a lot. It was never hard making boys fall in love with me and propose marriage, but the problem is, was I in love with them? I wasn’t, and this was a huge problem. Many people try to be nice and cute and cuddly at the beginning of their relationships. They try to be a different person from what they really are. Even though I never tried that hard, I kept some of my “bad sides” hidden, like I may look like a soft nature but no one can push me around, I tolerate a lot but there is always a limit. I forgive a lot but that does not mean I forget. I understand why people lie to me, but that does not mean you keep lying because I don’t mind. I do mind actually, and so, these boys were never prepared that one day I would give up on them and say enough is enough. Nevertheless, I realized that all these problems occurred because I saw marriage as a contract, and many people do the same. In a contract both partners agree to keep their promises and so they will try to make it through when the tough times come by negotiating. I was damn good at negotiating and I still am; that is why my exes are still friendly to me and I am always friendly to them too. After so many mistakes or negotiations, I realized that true love is different. There must not be negotiation in true love. In true love you give yourself in without expecting anything in return. There could be everything wrong, based on other people’s logic, on a guy that you are dating, but he is the right one for you. So I told this young lady, who recently came to me for advice, to follow her heart instead of charts of negotiations.
I want to add a little bit more about the true love subject. We often confuse convenient relationships with love. Also, females usually, look for someone to be there for them at bad times, tough times, and needy times. However, in my own experience, as much as I needed a shoulder to cry on at my bad times, I still made it without any support. I am a tough cookie you can say, and that’s not because I am as tough as a guy. No, that’s not the case. I get too emotional too quickly; sometimes I feel embarrassed to show my tears, and sometimes I hide my pain with a smile, as if everything is fine. However, what makes me strong is my vulnerability. I never had someone beside me to support me at tough times, I never had anyone lifting my burden at my bad times. I was not that lucky, but not because people abandoned me, but because I could not trust that they were good enough to make the best decisions for my situations. And so, I preferred the lonely times, because I always relied on God. I accepted my vulnerability and then prayed to God that things would turn better. And they always did turn better, even when I cried out loud, “Why God, why?” by clearly showing my frustration and my limited vision in life. So, for me the tough times are not so hard to handle; some tears, one prayer and sleep helps me to get through it. I do not need my prince charming for the hard times; I need him for the good times. What was hard in life for me was that I never had someone to be with me and understand me at my good silly times, playful down to earth times. I always had some boys or men (as I grew up) around me, ready to fulfill my emptiness, but I felt lonely nevertheless. So my advice to this young lady was to follow her heart and to analyze of how she felt when she was with this guy when they were having fun together. Did that feel like a burden? Does she feel obligated to show appreciation for what he does for her, trips and expensive gifts? Does it feel like she has to restrict herself because an extra silly face on her side or a bit too extra of a joke will make her boyfriend roll his eyes?
In general for every girl who may use this advice, ask yourself this, do you feel like you cannot be yourself even at fun times, vacation times, and socializing times? Then you got your answer. True love will allow you and even appreciate you more if you are true to yourself and to your partner always. When you keep it real with all your good’s and bad’s and when your partner not only doesn’t mind but he/she appreciates that, then he/she is a keeper.